Pillow Talk

My feet are freezing, so I stick them under Mark's legs in bed.

Mark: Your feet are icicles!

Lynn: Not ice, technically, as they are not made out of water. Lynn-cicles.

Mark: Ok, fine. Your feet are little Lynn-cicles.

Lynn: But, they're not little. Really they are big Lynn-cicles. More like icebergs. They are Lynn-bergs. But not in the "Charles" sense.

Mark: So you're not going to fly over the ocean.

Lynn: No, but I may sink some ships.

Romantic, yes?

My Readers, My Friends

You gotta love a group of people that loves Diet Coke as much as me. The beverage poll ended with more people loving Diet Coke than other beverages. So, to you fellow addicts, I leave you with this:One word... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'll be home for Christmas...

After much soul searching, my family and I have made a life changing decision. We are staying home for Christmas. Most of you are probably saying, "Duh... who doesn't stay home for Christmas?" And the answer is me... and my entire family. Its My Big Fat Greek Wedding, without the Greek and making it Christmas dinner instead of a wedding.

I lived in Iowa in the same town as my grandparents, aunts and uncles (save one set) and cousins until I was 14, when we moved to Kansas City. Despite the move, we still traveled to Iowa for Christmas every single year. This year would make the 16th time. Our Christmas dinners consist of roughly 30 or so people crammed into my Grandma's house. Its loud, crowded, HECTIC, and lovely. I told my husband prior to our engagement that Christmas is the one holiday that I was non-negotiable on. I go to Iowa, I spend it with my ENTIRE family... period. Take it or leave it. So even after betrothal and marriage, we still went to Iowa. Now I have children, and I am changing my life long family tradition.

I dream of a Christmas for my kids like I had, before I moved to Kansas. I want them to wake up and run to the tree and see an unbelievable pile of gifts waiting for them. I know, Christmas is about Jesus's birth yada yada yada, but its also about creating memories that last a lifetime. And I remember the tree, and us in our pjs, and tearing into gifts and then playing with them until passing out. In Iowa, we open gifts Christmas morning, but its after we all shower and we hurry through it, pack up the toys into our car and start setting up for the Christmas feast. Its no one's fault, and its not a bad way to do it with adult kids, but this year my son Will is going to know about Santa for the first time. And I want him to think Santa came here, to his home. My Mom and I were struggling about how to get his gifts to Iowa because they're large, and don't tell her... but Tabbi is getting a bicycle. I want her to come down to the family room and see the bike with a big red bow and not open a picture of it in Iowa because it couldn't fit in the car. Some dream of a white Christmas, but I dream of the right Christmas and for the first time, I am going to make it happen.

That being said, deciding to stay home this year could be one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Christmas to me isn't Christmas without my Grandma, my Aunts and Uncles, my cousins and now my cousins' children. We will have Christmas dinner here, and I already wonder how loud that quiet will feel. I will miss Grandma's insistence on doing the dishes after dinner, and the giant cookie tray that she makes and refills 100 times during that day. My Uncle George camps out in the recliner and makes these super funny, while slightly off color remarks that make you laugh and cringe at the same time. Heidi, my cousin, dresses her girls in these gorgeous Christmas gowns, and its like watching a holiday fashion show when they come in. And we do a family gift exchange where every adult brings a gift for under $30 and we do it "white elephant" style. So, you could end up with a Dooney and Bourke handbag or a farting Santa Claus (depending if you get my cousin Tim's purchase or my brother Mike's).

What's worse, is I feel like I have made my parents and brother choose a side and that feels horrible. Who is anyone kidding, my parents picked their grandchildren, and rightfully so. My brother is still figuring out the logistics before he commits to anything. So, I run the risk of my first Christmas without him in 30 years (because I'll be 30 by then). But, I guess the way to look at it is that we are starting a new family Christmas this year... complete with mass on Christmas Eve (but skipping dinner at Great Aunt Rosemary's) and opening gifts in footie pajamas, but missing out on the prime rib. We will go to Iowa on the 26th, so I will miss the crowd by 24 hours, and the idea of that still breaks my heart... but I hope to fill that break with the smiles and awe that will fill Will and Tabbi's faces when they see that Santa has come... to their home.

Just a wee bit crazy...

I mentioned in my first "introductory" blog post that my grandmother moved in with my parents last year. Before the move, she lived in either Massachusetts or Oregon, and we were Midwesterners, so I never really knew them all that well. We visited once a year, at most, and they couldn't really be called "kid people" while we were there. They were pleasant and all, but not fall to the floor and play types. So, now that she is here full time, I feel like we are getting to know her for the first time. And that, my friends, is an experience.

She turned 90 years old last February, and if you ask her, she is sharp as a tack. I, however, have come to the conclusion that she's just a little bit nuts. I cannot attest to whether or not this is a condition that has existed a long time, or if its fresh 90 year old senility. Don't get me wrong, its a good nuts, an amusing nuts... but nuts nonetheless. Here's a couple examples...

The other day I get a phone call from her. I was on the other line, so I didn't pick up. I listened to the voicemail and she proceeded to tell me that she saw that I called, but she missed it. She assumed I was calling for my mom, so she wanted to call back and let me know that my mom was walking her dog and she would have her call when she returned. Normal, right? No. For starters, I never called there. I even checked my call log on my phone to make sure Will didn't do it. Nothing there. Second, I could hear my mom's dog barking in the background during the entire message, so if he was out walking, she would have to have been right beside him. And last, I called my mom later to figure out what was going on and she said that she was standing in her bedroom when my grandma made that call. So, really, my grandma called responding to a call I didn't make to tell me that my mom was out walking the dog, which she wasn't. Good communication.

Today, I got yet another dose of kook. The cleaning people were here (yes, I am a stay at home mother with a cleaning service... life is good) and I took Will, Jack and Bentley Woof to my parents' house to be out of their way. We are watching The Bonnie Hunt show, total Ellen rip off but Ellen is opposite The View and I love me some View, so I miss Ellen and watch Bonnie at 10. Now that that's cleared up, Bonnie had some Dancing with the Stars folks on and my grandma is a HUGE fan of that show. We were talking about how damn cute Julianne Hough is (hate that girl) and she proceeds to tell me that she has been watching Julianne and her brother Derek dance on that show since they were 8 or 9 years old. The show first aired in 2005, so that would make them 11 or 12 now. She looks young, but not that young. The best part is that she proceeded to talk about how she would watch it with my grandfather when it was on and how much they enjoyed the program. Grandpa died in November of 99.

So that's a little intro to 90 year old Grandma Nutty. The sad part is, I am 29 (for a few more days) and at 29 I am probably just about as senile as she is. So, God help me when my granddaughter is blogging about me in my 90s! I will probably be committed.

This is serious...

There is something going on with my hair. I don't mean a perm, mullet or even a perpetual bad hair day. This is way more serious than that. I know... more serious than a mullet? Is that possible? Yes. My hair is falling out. I don't mean in chunks or anything, so I am pretty sure no witches put spells on me a la The Craft, and I am thankfully not undergoing any medical treatment that should cause such a issue... but by God, I am going bald here people!!!

I have a serious thing about my hair. Not that its ever been a thing of beauty like my friend Zain, whose hair could quite possibly be the most beautiful hair of any person walking around outside of Hollywood. If I had hair like hers and it was falling out, I would be on the next jet to the Mayo clinic demanding answers and cures. But, even though my hair is mediocre at best, I am really attached to it. No pun intended. I once asked for a trim and the hair stylist from Hades cut my hair SUPER short. I cried immediately and for the entire rest of the day (and off and on for a week after... but whose counting). I am talking Winona Ryder pixie cut short. And, believe me, I don't look like no Winona Ryder.

So, every time I wash my hair a huge tangle of hairs remains on my hand, not to mention the clump in the teeth of my comb. I am rapidly going bald and have no excuse whatsoever. So, this is the start of my emotional demise. I thought it would be the children, but no. Its the hair. I am doomed to spend the rest of my life as a Michael Chiklis look alike... and not even strong and buff "The Shield" Michael Chiklis, but who am I kidding...the Michael Chiklis of "The Commish." God help us all.

I'm BaaaAAACCCKKKK!!!

My God in heaven, I feel like I have been reborn. I finally have Internet, TV, and a home phone. Its a miracle, I tell you. A Christmas miracle (I can say that, because even though its November 10th, its Christmas in all the stores). I can't believe I've been down for a week and a half (thanks, AT&T and your crackerjack customer service... Yes, Rajeed, that was a thick layer of sarcasm). What's more, I cannot believe I have missed commenting on some major events both nationally, globally, and in my own life. So, in case you care, or more importantly because I care... I am going to provide some snippets now.

So, of course, the major announcement.... Barack Obama won! Sorry Laura, but HA HA! I ran around singing "We Are the Champions" until I realized that just because the guy I voted for won, doesn't mean that I am heading to the West Wing. I loved that show though, and continue to delude myself that I will be CJ Craig some day, although less tall and unfortunately much less skinny. But, I salute our new commander in chief and take pride in the fact that my kids will be raised in an era that never knew that an African American couldn't be President. That is pretty huge. I credit my parents and the way I was raised in that I never really considered that either. I went to a biracial wedding when I was young, and only learned later in life that it was significant. But, my children will never understand that part of life, and I say hooray for that. McCain or Obama supporter... this is one of those "I remember when" moments.

In my own life, other than fighting with AT&T for hours, I had a few moments, too. For one, Mark and I have been called to the Principal's office. OK, not really, but we are meeting with Tabbi's teacher and her school counselor because she is not putting forth any effort and is intentionally screwing up. So, "Failure as Parents, party of two.... please report to the elementary school." I am not getting into a Tabbi post right now, but I will just say this. I never knew how hard it would be to raise someone else's child. To be continued...

Not only are we failing the 9 year old, but we are also staying consistent by failing the 2 year old. We started potty training last Sunday. My little genius went pee pee on the potty several times Sunday and Monday. Then he decided he was done. So, the only stuff happening in the potty is dust collection at this point. I tried bribes, but the more cash I gave him, the less he understood why I was giving it to him. OK, so I didn't really bribe with cash, but the stickers, Hershey kisses and Matchbox cars did nothing. We are taking a week off and then we'll see if I can get him back up on the horse (or on Elmo, as the case may be).

Lastly, my brother was in town this weekend. He is so good with the kids that I would like to hire him as my manny. Of course, I don't work, so the job would pay poorly and have no benefits, so I am guessing he would pass. If not, my HR background would force me to advise him that it is a poor career move.

I did encounter something interesting this weekend that I wanted to blog about though. Mike, be ready... it involves you. I experienced two random acts of generosity this weekend and was pretty moved by both. My Aunt Barb and Uncle Rus sent Tabbi a laptop computer this week. They are very successful and have no children of their own, so their siblings' children and their siblings' children's children really benefit from their generosity. So, the gesture for Tabbi is totally amazing, right? I mean holy cow... I type on a crappy desk top. But, here's the really impressive thing. The computer is from the organization One Laptop per Child (visit www.laptop.org for more info). Their goal is to bring education and empowerment to children all over the globe, so with the purchase of one of their green laptops (environmentally friendly, not just the color) an equally cool and durable laptop is sent to a child in Africa. Wow, right? I applaud that group, my aunt and uncle for knowing about them, and anyone with the funds and desire to support them. So, that was act one. Act two comes from my brother. And, I don't just mean him taking care of Will all weekend, although that was pretty fab! My brother, who blogs at www.christianarchy.lifewithchrist.com (yeah, we're not all that alike) has a lot of charities on his blog. He supports ONE, Bono's org and recently added a child that needs to be adopted. And, I don't mean Angelina Jolie adoption, I mean those "For one dollar a day...." commercial adoptions. I thought that was pretty cool, but then he told me that he has one. First I thought, mazel tov, I'm an aunt. Then I thought, wow... impressive. He's always had impeccable moral character (blah blah blah...we can't all be saints), but its even bigger when you take into account he lives in a tiny crap shack. His term, not mine. He's getting a masters in divinity (again, we're not twins, OK) and works at a homeless mission in Podunk, Kansas (my term, not his). He has no money, or at least, very little... and yet he supports a whole human being somewhere. I used to work, and had money to burn and burned it well (which I kick myself for, now that I have no money period). And yet my brother, the better of us clearly, takes his meager wages and supports a child a world away. Wow. Words are not big enough.

So anyway, I feel like I've forgotten how to blog after so long. I promise, I'll get back to ranting about saggy boobs (both mine and the one I am married to), and complaining about parenthood and all its insanity. Thanks for staying with me during the black out!!!

Ode to U-verse 2

Hello Folks,

I am writing to let you know that I might not be around for awhile. (Single tear). I have broken off my love affair with Dominic of AT&T's U-verse... or U-Suck, as I like to call it. Our systems (phone, TV and satellite) all died 5 hours after Dommy brought it back up. Poor AT&T then felt the wrath of Lynn, and if you know me, you know that was pretty harsh. They then sent their "best guy" out yesterday who fixed it all. If I would have had time, I would have written out my feelings for him, too. "Dear Gary, How do I love thee... let me count the ways." Well, Gary, our system died again yesterday four hours after you left. I am not lovin' you anymore, Gar! Then the wonderfully responsive people at AT&T (thick layer of sarcasm) scheduled another technician to come out today between 12 and 4, and its 6:34p and we're still waiting. (OK, we aren't waiting. We are at my parents' house for dinner, which is how I am blogging right now). They do not have U-verse therefore we are currently surrounded by TV, Internet and phones. I don't wanna go home to my practically Amish abode. I feel like I am going to have to churn my own butter soon! Thank God AT&T doesn't run our electricity!

So, tomorrow I am calling crap central to let them know that I am no longer interested in having U-verse. Or, really, I am no longer interested in paying for U-verse to not give me phone, Internet and TV. So, until I get my home up and technology filled, this blog will be dead air. Stick with me though! I am working to get it done ASAP so keep checking, because there will surely be a sonnet for DirecTV or Bright House as soon as they install their wares!

Thanks!!! And see you soon (I hope),
Lynn