Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Obligatory New Year's Resolution Post

So, today is New Year's Eve which means everyone across the world needs to start making promises to themselves that they already know they are not going to keep. In honor of that outstanding tradition of starting the new year off with failure and disappointment... here is my list.

1. I resolve to no longer make myself feel better at the expense of others. For example, I will not look at the moms at preschool who are dropping their kids off while they are still in their pajama bottoms and shake my head in disgust. Instead, I will simply admit that while they look utterly ridiculous in their tartan plaids (or worse, in their cartoon festooned bagginess), I will appreciate their need for comfort and pray for all of the world's scientists to finally invent a stain remover that can take out the grape juice stain that's been on their t-shirts since September.

2. I will no longer make snap judgements about people. For example, I will not immediately think "psycho, idiot, loser who should be forcibly sterilized" when I hear about a mother of six intentionally having eight more kids. And, I will not decide that people are trashy and gross based on their hair colors, teeth or lack thereof, wife beater tanks or affinity for NASCAR racing.

3. I will no longer watch worthless television. I will give up my addiction to reality tv and all of the idiocy that comes with it. I will save myself the torment of listening to the Kardashians in all of their "OMG, I am so hot" glory (and I will not scream at the tv that OMG isn't actually a word, so quit saying it like it is!!!! ) and I will no longer sit transfixed in front of the boob tube when drunken college students live in a house with seven strangers and declare their love for their boyfriends/girlfriends at home while simultaneously sleeping with every person in the house (usually both genders).

4. I will actually post blog entries more often than once a month. Let's face it... I am really just sitting on the couch watching DVRed reality tv from the night before, so now that I am giving that up, I will have more time to spill my inner most thoughts across the globe... or to the three of you that read it.

5. I will have more tolerance for stupid people. It's not their fault that they are idiots. I blame myself for being able to count to 12 before getting in the express check out lane, or for realizing that if you're in the left turn lane, you ought to turn left instead of sitting there through the entire light hoping to merge into the right lane when in reality no one is going to let you. My bad. Instead of mocking these unfortunate souls, I will work with state and federal governments to pick a state (probably Montana... it's big and pretty empty) and banish all the morons there and throw away the key. Actually, we probably wouldn't have to lock the fences because they won't be smart enough to try the door anyway. Or wait... Gitmo is empty now, right? Apparently you can house people there for years with no concern for civil rights.

6. I will no longer laugh and/or run for a camera and take a picture when my kids are either hurt or doing something potentially dangerous. I will strive to be the kind of parent people don't want to call CPS on.

7. I will quit making promises that I know I am not going to keep. So, no... I will not attend your Pampered Chef party... so don't ask and I won't have to tell you that I'll try to make it when I have no intention of coming. And no, I will not keep any of these resolutions, but at least I had the good intentions of writing them out. That ought to count for something, right?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It Takes a Little Push....

I am admitting it here and now... I did it. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. And I did it. I punished my son in the most evil of ways. Forgive me, blogisphere, for I have sinned. First, I ripped him out of a peaceful and serene slumber. Then I shoved him into constrictive clothing from head to toe. Clothing designed to squeeze every last drop of moisture out of your skin by wrapping you in 14 tons of cottony insulation. Then, I put him in subarctic temperatures and pushed him down a steep incline. Actually, I wasn't the pusher. That individual sin is not mine. I was the orderer.... Mark was the executioner. I said push and Mark... he pushed. Yes, friends who now despise me for my evil ways, I admit it. I made my son go sledding.

For whatever reason, Will decided that sledding was a fate worse than death. He was napping when all of his cousins were going and I thought, why make him miss out on this fun activity with the kids? I got him up and shoved him into snow pants, boots, a puffer coat and gloves until he resembled poor Randy Parker who couldn't put his arms down. And, just in case you thought this was a peaceful torture, let me just tell you this. He did not go quietly. He screamed. He cried. He fought those boots like there were hot coals stuffed inside. But, Mommy knows best. I felt certain that once he got out there, he would love it. So, I mummified my little boy and sent him into the darkness for a round of night sledding.

He cried.

Mark sent him down the hill anyway.

He smiled and said "that was fun."

Mark took him to the top and said let's go again.

Will cried and begged for mercy. Luckily, mercy was granted. Back into the warm car and back to Great Grandma's house he went. One trip down the hill and then back home where he was able to shed his layers and finally stop the madness. One trip down the hill for all of our blood, sweat and tears that went into the sledding adventure. One trip. That's it.

Even though it didn't go well, I am not sorry for the torture I've inflicted. I'm sure I will be when I have to pay the future therapy bills that this debacle will undoubtedly require, but for now I am not ashamed. Hear that, Dr. Phil? I am not ashamed. How will little kids ever decide what they like and what they don't if you don't... well.... give them a little push? Earlier that day Will went nuts about going swimming, but the second his little tootsies hit the water, he was off and swimming like a guppy. Well, like a guppy who has to wear an inflatable ring. If I would have given in to that bout of fear, he would have missed out on a super fun afternoon. Sledding could have been the same way. He could have sailed down that hill in his Rubbermaid tub (yes, we are that ghetto) and gone 100 more times. Or, he could go down once and beg for his life and promise to sacrifice his first born child to get out of going again. Either way, I am not ashamed of a little forced experimentation. That's how brave boys are made. Or, if nothing else that's what I will say when CPS shows up to take him away from me.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Freakin' Christmas

Christmas is in a day and a half and let me paint a picture for you... A little foray into my world and how that world operates.

I have purchased what feels like 1,000 Christmas gifts. My bank account has hemorrhaged and is circling the drain, but my kids will have a great Christmas. Will has Rocky the Robot truck waiting from Santa, Jack could care less but will love his Nintendog and Tabbi got the Barbie Nail Printer thingy that she was "OMG! DYING!!! FOR!!!" Merry Christmas to all, and my God can I go to bed now?!?!?! I even bought the stocking stuffers and Xmas jammies and visions of sugar plums are even starting to dance around my head (is that the Christmas spirit or my Christmas martinis talking???). I walk into my house today after getting the boys their Christmas haircuts and life is good. Nap time equals finish my book time because I am a woman that is completely in control and caught up.

Then I walk to my room.
Then I wonder why Chuck My Talking Truck is in the middle of the floor.
Then I wonder why Jack's Carpenter table is in the closet doorway.

Then I walk into the closet and wonder why in the hell the freaking closet shelf had to freaking fall down and scatter every freaking Christmas present between here and freaking kingdom come, meaning that I can't freaking read my book because I have to freaking find a new home for every freaking present I've purchased. Uh huh... bah humbug doesn't even begin to describe it.

Merry FREAKING Christmas, everybody... and Happy FREAKING New Year!