Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Obligatory New Year's Resolution Post

So, today is New Year's Eve which means everyone across the world needs to start making promises to themselves that they already know they are not going to keep. In honor of that outstanding tradition of starting the new year off with failure and disappointment... here is my list.

1. I resolve to no longer make myself feel better at the expense of others. For example, I will not look at the moms at preschool who are dropping their kids off while they are still in their pajama bottoms and shake my head in disgust. Instead, I will simply admit that while they look utterly ridiculous in their tartan plaids (or worse, in their cartoon festooned bagginess), I will appreciate their need for comfort and pray for all of the world's scientists to finally invent a stain remover that can take out the grape juice stain that's been on their t-shirts since September.

2. I will no longer make snap judgements about people. For example, I will not immediately think "psycho, idiot, loser who should be forcibly sterilized" when I hear about a mother of six intentionally having eight more kids. And, I will not decide that people are trashy and gross based on their hair colors, teeth or lack thereof, wife beater tanks or affinity for NASCAR racing.

3. I will no longer watch worthless television. I will give up my addiction to reality tv and all of the idiocy that comes with it. I will save myself the torment of listening to the Kardashians in all of their "OMG, I am so hot" glory (and I will not scream at the tv that OMG isn't actually a word, so quit saying it like it is!!!! ) and I will no longer sit transfixed in front of the boob tube when drunken college students live in a house with seven strangers and declare their love for their boyfriends/girlfriends at home while simultaneously sleeping with every person in the house (usually both genders).

4. I will actually post blog entries more often than once a month. Let's face it... I am really just sitting on the couch watching DVRed reality tv from the night before, so now that I am giving that up, I will have more time to spill my inner most thoughts across the globe... or to the three of you that read it.

5. I will have more tolerance for stupid people. It's not their fault that they are idiots. I blame myself for being able to count to 12 before getting in the express check out lane, or for realizing that if you're in the left turn lane, you ought to turn left instead of sitting there through the entire light hoping to merge into the right lane when in reality no one is going to let you. My bad. Instead of mocking these unfortunate souls, I will work with state and federal governments to pick a state (probably Montana... it's big and pretty empty) and banish all the morons there and throw away the key. Actually, we probably wouldn't have to lock the fences because they won't be smart enough to try the door anyway. Or wait... Gitmo is empty now, right? Apparently you can house people there for years with no concern for civil rights.

6. I will no longer laugh and/or run for a camera and take a picture when my kids are either hurt or doing something potentially dangerous. I will strive to be the kind of parent people don't want to call CPS on.

7. I will quit making promises that I know I am not going to keep. So, no... I will not attend your Pampered Chef party... so don't ask and I won't have to tell you that I'll try to make it when I have no intention of coming. And no, I will not keep any of these resolutions, but at least I had the good intentions of writing them out. That ought to count for something, right?


Amie said...

They would be hard to keep. Especially with The Real World just starting last night and all.

Anonymous said...

At least stick to your guns on #4. Please! I'm sure the other two readers, whoever they are, will feel the same.

Mark said...

I would have been really sad if you had kept any of those resolutions because those are all the fun things in life.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Amie - No kidding! What was I thinking after that explosive season premiere!!!

J.D. - For you, and my two other less favorite readers, I will try!!!

Mark - I am not sure that is a very moral opinion to have. Then again, I don't really do moral either.

TexInTheCity said...

I will keep No.7 FOR you. You see, not only do I go to those parties, I sign up to sell that crap afterwards!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Oh Tex, no!!! I feel so bad for people who do that. But, I guess you get lots of good Super Food choppers and ultimate powdered sugar shakers out of the deal.