I live for my kids. I do. When Will was born, I say I made a decision to stay home, but it wasn't even that logical. It wasn't a choice. It was a need. A must. The first day I spent with him, I knew I was never going back. The day before he was born, I had the daycare all picked out. The day after, I knew. It wasn't happening. That was almost seven years ago.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids, and not just in a "they are yours so you have to" kind of way, but a lay down and die for them, take a bullet for them, beware if you hurt them because you'll feel my wrath kind of way. But, I find myself sitting at my desk today tracking responses to Will's birthday party invitations, organizing my VBS stuff, scheduling my next Cub Scout pack meeting, and remembering that PTO elections are tomorrow, and I wonder.... where is my joy? I may be in a slump, or it may be just that this time of year is over scheduled and emotionally hard.... but I have lost my joy and I can't seem to find it.
My calendar is packed. My days are full. Its not that I am wandering around lonely or with nothing to do... but there are days that I sit back and wonder... what do I want to do? Do I do this because I want to, or because I made the choice to be a stay home mom and this comes with the territory. Is this a life of want or necessity? Should I be taking joy in it? Does everyone have joy or is that too much to expect? Am I overlooking all of my blessings?
Mother's Day was a prime example. I don't know what I was expecting, but maybe a sense of feeling like "this is it." This is why I do what I do. They appreciate it, we have joy as a family. But, my expectations were too high and the day was like any given Sunday. Church, lunch, chores, dinner, bedtime. The gifts were nice, but just the little things I mentioned to make it easy to buy stuff. Its not like I was waiting for a BMW to magi-ppear in my driveway with a big red bow, but I guess I needed that feeling of "yes, this is worth it." It doesn't even have to come in a gift bag. It can be as small as a Jack cuddle or a Will hug (which is actually anything but little). Something to make me know that I am doing a good job. I would get joy from that, I think.
I think I am just in a slump, and as Dr. Seuss so elegantly puts it, "unslumping yourself is not easily done." I'm trying to get there. I'm trying to look at the day with the eyes of someone who takes joy from the little things...from living the life that I chose. But, as I look at my agenda of garage sale prep and laundry.... I'm not sure I have the rose colored glasses I need for that right now.