Eat Pray Puke

Ok, so I just heard Julia Roberts confess in an interview that the book Eat Pray Love moved her so much that it changed her life. Duh, Jules.... it gave you a job. And, what person pimping their new movie based on a book would say "actually I think the book was boring, predictable and a bit lame." No one but Shia Lebeouf would be so stupid as to bite the hand that feeds them (caviar), so Julia blinked her doe-eyed blink and professed her undying love for this book. But, since I don't get no money from the eating praying loving group, I am just going to say... I don't get it.

I have known a lot people who have claimed that this book is a life changer, but I disagree. I get about as much inspiration from this book (which I admittedly haven't read and will not go see the movie based on it) as I do from Oprah Winfrey's weight loss success. Give me a personal chef and personal trainer and I'll show you a size 8 Lynn, too. And, from what I have heard and the excerpts I have read, this book is the same way.

First of all... if I am going to be inspired by some person, it isn't going to be a person who is so financially yippee-ki-yay that they can afford to abscond to lovely countries around the world to "find themselves." Show me a stay home mom that can't get out for three hours without juggling guilt that they've left their kids versus the strong desire to run away forever... and I will find that person inspiring. Show me the wife that struggles with the lifestyle she wants, but lives within the means she has... and if she somehow manages to eek out a wardrobe that isn't from WalMart, then I will be moved. If I want to watch a rich person travel, I will just check in on Paris Hilton and her spiritual journey. I am quite sure she has stumbled upon a Buddha or two and found the monks to be really "hot."

And while I am bitching about a book I can't read for fear of changing the title to Eat Pray Puke, why is the person so gorgeous she has a man in every port? I mean really? Can us mere mortals really relate to Julia Roberts's struggle with men? Put a size 18 in that part and maybe I can sympathize with her love life plight. Don't put some skinny bitch on screen and expect us to feel bad that young Italian hotties are throwing themselves at her. Ahhh poor thing... she is forced to settle for true love with Javier Bardem. Damn the suffering!!! If you had Kirstie Alley starring and a love interest of John Goodman, then give me a call. Maybe that will seem a little more noteworthy. Julia Roberts and her love affair with Javier relates about as much to my world as Jersey Shore and I am not lining up for a Snooky inspired bump it any time soon.

So, next time I want to watch a portrayal of one woman finding joy and true love, I may as well turn on Pretty Woman. That Julia epic about a clean and healthly non-crackhead hooker winding up with the attractive version of Donald Trump is about as realistic as ditching your life to eat pray and love yourself across the world. For inspiration, I will just turn to The Bad Girls Club instead. At least they don't pretend to be deep, yo.