Alternate Title: A Warning to My Single Friends.....
The following is an accurate recreation of dialog that took place in my bedroom last night. (No, don't get grossed out. The bedroom part does not come in to play). Instead of puking, please enjoy a conversation with Mark regarding new shoes he bought during his lunch hour.
Mark removes black, slip on, leather dress shoes from their box. Shoes evoke image of old man in wife beater, plaid shorts, black socks and these shoes.
Me: Wow. Old man shoes?
Mark: What do you mean? I thought they looked good.
Me: Ok. They are your shoes. But, didn't you have a pair EXACTLY like it in brown when you first started at your job, but you hate them and never wear them?
Mark: No. These are my brown shoes (fetching brown leather dress "sneakers" if those actually exist).
Me: I know that. But, you had a pair exactly like this that you HATED.
Mark: No, these are the only brown shoes I have.
Me: Ok, but I know you hated the old man brown shoes and I know you had them.
Mark: Oh yeah... but I got rid of them because they were ugly.
Crickets..... yeah.... that was kinda my point.
Me (moving past the black, old man shoes that match exactly the brown, old man shoes that he never wore and admittedly got rid of because they were ugly): I thought you said you needed brown shoes, anyway?
Mark: No, I said black.
Me: No, I swear you said brown.
Mark: Nope, black.
Me (because I hate being wrong, and am never wrong... really, it is rare): No, you said brown.
Mark: Ok, I am not going to argue with you (which is not true because he clearly is arguing with me, so why say that????), but I said black.
Me: Fine. Except you said brown, and based on what you just said 30 seconds ago, you got rid of your brown shoes.... so don't you need brown?
Mark: Oh, well I bought these, too (showing me the new brown shoes on his feet).
Nothing much was intelligible after that, as I spent the next hour slamming my head into the wall, as it is easier than discussing shoes with my husband.