Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wanted: Sister Wives

I talked to my friend Laura the Famous the other day and she is suffering from the age old dilemma of the "working mom." When she is at work, providing the administrative side of her family's chiropractic office, she is overwhelmed by the multitude of things that she needs to do at home. At home, the office work haunts her. So, being the fantastic friend that I am, I suggested the most obvious solution... a Sister Wife. Duh. All Laura needs is someone at home doing the home stuff. Men don't seem to have this guilty pull toward housework and duh... that is because they have wives. So, the answer to a woman's dilemma is the same. Get a wife.

Then it occurred to me. Why don't I take my own genius advice? Polygamy is the way to go, because I too could benefit from a wife or two. In fact, I have even gone so far as to pick out the old balls and chains. (I haven't discussed it with Mark yet, so if my future wives are reading this.... it isn't an official offer yet.)

First, I would like to add Antonia from Top Chef Allstars to my marriage. I don't know her, but she is a single mom so she would probably like some help with the daily grind, too. And, no more cooking meals for me! I am pretty sure my husband and my children will welcome her, and her delicious dinners with open arms.

Then, I think I would need some help with all the kids. I have three, Antonia has one.... clearly we are going to need some maternal help around here. So, I am thinking Mother Goose would be an excellent addition. Antonia can cook, Mother Goose can raise the kids.... life is getting better by the second.

Last, I realize that adding three people (and a goose) to our already maxed out household is going to put a strain on Mark's paycheck, not to mention the fact that we will need a much larger house. So, I would need to add Oprah Winfrey as my last sister wife. That way, she can pay for the stuff we need, and really... who would oppose to her keeping Stedman (and by Stedman, I really mean her secret lover Gail) on the side? At least with the marriage and kids, she would finally have some street cred when she does her "how to make a marriage stronger" and "how to raise children the right way" episodes of her show.

I know plural marriages are looked down upon in our society, but women just need to expand their horizons and think this through. Imagine sleeping alone three out of four nights! Imagine full control of the remote and no football (or Project Runway, in my case) cluttering up the DVR! Imagine not having to fake headaches all the time because you are sharing that duty with three other people! Imagine having a cook and childcare in house for FREE! In the immortal words of Charlie Sheen, I call this idea "WINNING!"


Tuffy said...

Charlie Sheen jokes are so 2 weeks ago.

Anonymous said...

Wow I am so totally famous!!
I need to get thinking about who I will choose for a sister wife! Seriously, thanks so much for the 'advice' it has made me smile- a lot in the last day or two!!
Laura the Famous

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Momo-Mama said...

Bwuahahahaha! My BFF and I have this conversation ALL the time! Seriously, having several days in a week where all domestic duties did not fall completely on me would be HEAVEN!

metamorphstorm said...

Whoa, I need one too!

My boyfriend quite literally is on his arse all day - at work, at home...the other night I had to lug a fifty-pound bag of sand up four flights of stairs while he sat here in our nice warm apartment (well, warm, anyway, especially compared to outside) playing computer games. I do the cooking and cleaning and he has other "lady interests," to put it nicely, so...why not? He'd think I was the perfect girlfriend if we had another woman living with us like you talked about, and hey, I'd have someone to share the work with.

But...maybe it'd be better if I just sit him down and remind him that he only works as much as he has time off (literally) and between school and running the house, I work, too - so we should share the work. I wouldn't be so interested in this subject if not for the fact that a few days ago he agreed we should share the work and I just did all of his!