Monday, April 12, 2010

Why I don't have my own reality show...

Ok, so some Facebook friends have suggested that I need my own reality show. They think that my disaster filled life would make for good tv. I am pretty sure they mean it in the same way that Celebrity Rehab makes for good tv, meaning you watch Heidi Fleiss drooling out her mega lips and realize how much better your life seems now than before you tuned in. The Facebookeratti have determined that I too could make your life seem better. But, it's never going to happen. No, not just because ugly people don't get reality shows, but because my life is so freaking nut-tastic that no one is going to believe it's real. That brings me to today... let me tell you about today.

1. Will was up all night last night (and when I say all night, I don't mean the same thing as my grandmother means when she says all night and yet you walk into her bedroom and she is sound asleep.... I mean REALLY ALL NIGHT). So, I am going on 30 seconds sleep. Or wait... maybe this is all a dream...

2. I come down at 7:30a and open the fridge to get Jack's milk and I see that Tabbi has forgotten her lunch. She has a field trip today and was leaving the school at 9:00a. So, I think fast. I can't shower and get Satan and Satan Jr. out of the house on time to bring her the lunch, so I call my mommy. She agrees to swing by, pick up the lunch and take it to Tabbi's school. Immense amounts of hassle later.... and a chick in the school office tells my mother that Tabbi just bought a lunch in the cafeteria. Yeah... didn't know that was an option.

3. 8:00a... I call the pediatrician over item number one. Will hasn't been the same since adenoid and ear tube surgery. Our ENT's nurse blew me off all last week, so I go to our Pediatrician. Will goes berserk when I dare to leave his side and shower. I wrangle the two minions into the office only to find out that Will's issue is viral. VIRAL... as in "sure, Mom, there's something wrong... we just don't know what or how to fix it." Thanks, Doc.

4. I come home from pointless doctor appointment. There's a wasp in our playroom. I try to sneak up on it to kill it, but it could clearly hear me on the phone requesting that my husband come home from work immediately to kill said wasp and it flew at me on the attack. I hit the floor and army crawled out of the house... and now it has taken position on the ceiling fan. Clearly it knows military strategy so it took the elevated position in the house.

5. After fleeing the playroom that is occupied by Genghis Wasp, I walk to our coat closet to hang up Jack's jacket, and realize the foyer has been occupied by an army of ants. Roughly 600 million at last count. Am considering just abandoning the house.

6. While trying to wage a one woman Rambo style war against the insect community taking over my home, my pants keep falling down. And no, I am not losing weight to make my depantsedness worth it. Must be conspiracy... ants and bees united with moths in my closet who have eaten through the waistband of my boyfriend jeans. And no, despite the clear label, boyfriends don't come with the jeans.

7. In my infinite search of money and free things for little to no effort, I was duped into believing I had won at $1,000 Kohl's gift card. But, being the security genius that I am, I gave my dog's name. Ha! Take that identity thieves! However, I gave my real email and cell phone. So, Bentley is getting spammed all to hell and my cell is ringing off the hook. And, oh yeah... no gift card has appeared.

8. It's only noon.....

So here's the update:

So, I take the boys outside for awhile, telling them at 5:40 we are going to head inside and start the rice for dinner. We swing, we play. 5:40 rolls around and Will dutifully heads indoors. Jack runs. The neighbors watch as Jack runs. The neighbors laugh as I run after Jack (holding onto my pants for dear life). Jack gets in the house.

I yell for Tabbi to tell her something. Jack grabs the rice. Jack runs outside. Lather. Rinse. Repeat last paragraph. Jack and rice get inside.

I start browning the vermicelli and Jack laughs. Jack all out guffaws. I look. Jack broke an egg on the playroom carpet. Jack thinks it's funny. I nearly cry. Jack runs outside. I let him stay outside figuring he has a better chance of staying alive outside with the wasps as opposed to inside with me. Good luck, Jack!

And... it's two and a half hours til bedtime.

1 comment:

TexInTheCity said...

Girl, you NEED a reality show!