Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Anatomy of a Three Day Weekend

Disclaimer: Names have been changed to protect the guilty...

Day One: Saturday

Boys wake up at 7:30am. Dad leaps out of bed and says "Hey guys, let's go downstairs."

Mom hears happy play noises and comes down shortly thereafter.

Family goes out to lunch (in a restaurant).

Family has enjoyable day filled with group play.

Lliw gets to stay up til 9:30 because it's the weekend, so why not?

Day Two: Sunday

Boys wake up at 7:30am. Dad grumbles a little sigh, but gets up. Mom lays in bed a good hour before coming downstairs. Mom realizes that neither boy has been changed or fed. Mom is slightly irritated, but masks irritation with jokes.

Family goes out shopping. Lliw has fit in store over bike riding (Dad maybe could have let him go one more lap before kicking him off and inducing tantrum). Lliw has fit in second store over lack of sneakers in "giant foot size." Lliw is happy after store three because they had two suitable pairs in his size. Mom is tired of errands. Return home.

Family has dinner at grandparents' house. Grandparents returned from 2 week cruise; happy to see kids and very playful.

Bedtime at 9:30 because family stayed at grandparents' house too late.

Day Three: Monday

Kcaj wakes up at 7:30a. Dad mumbles expletives for five minutes before getting out of bed to take him downstairs. Lliw wakes up and goes downstairs. Mom doesn't get out of bed until pack of wild dogs come in and drag her lifeless body down the stairs. Boys are unfed and unchanged. Mom proceeds to rip Dad limb from limb and beat him with his torn appendages.

It is determined that no food exists in house. Lunch will be picked up from fast food establishment. Mom just wants everyone to go away and is none too helpful in the food debate. Dad (obviously reassembled) offers suggestions that Mom shoots down for no good reason other than she is just grouchy and wants everyone to go away. Ibbat offers suggestion of Chinese food. Dad, now equally grouchy because not only is Mom taking out all of her frustrations on him, but she also made him MOW. THE. LAWN. That bitch. Dad replies to Ibbat, "We are American. We eat American." Suddenly Dad has morphed into idiot redneck with amnesia since we also eat Mexican, Chinese, Italian, etc.

Mom sends Dad and children to park and escapes to grocery store alone. Only time in history Mom decides to take her time at Meijer. Ahhh....the peace and solitude of the frozen foods aisle.

Family goes to grandparents' house for dinner again. Apdnarg hides in den with lights off for most of evening. Amdnarg locks door the second we step out onto front walk. Could hear faint sounds of her calling 24 hour locksmith to come change the locks since we have keys.

Family leaves at normal time. Children put to bed at 6:00p. Ok, not really, but Mom wishes kids went to bed at 6:00p. Kids really in bed by 9:00p. Mom falls asleep chanting "Thank God tomorrow is a school day!"


Homa said...

You left out the best part...after he made that patriotic statement, he looked at Lynn, and said "what, no?"...LMAO

Busy Bee Suz said...

This reminds me that I have not taken my husband apart, limb by limb in a long time. He is lucky.
now, I want chinese food too.

bernthis said...

That pretty much sums up every three day weekend for every family in the world. Loved this laugh out loud funny

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Homa - Priceless Mark moment!

Suz - He is lucky. So are you. I find myself doing that on a regular basis.

Bern - You'd think there would be some rule saying that the third day families must spend time apart... or the mom should be sent on a spa day or something.

cwillis74 - While I appreciate your reading/commenting on my blog, and I do agree with you sentiment every once in awhile, I deleted your comment based on the mean factor and name calling. I am not the best blogger in the world and at times I am down right obnoxious, but I have a hard and fast rule that everything be (at least a little bit) respectful.... even to my husband.