Monday, July 20, 2009

Tween Checklist

Tabbi is 10... and she's good at it. She has grasped all the subtle nuances of the pre-teen age. Its like she woke up and realized that she must complete the following on a daily basis:

1. Must freak out because new hair cut didn't lay right. (Be sure to ignore any and all suggestions from parental unit as they clearly have no idea what it is like to have a bad hair day).

2. Must freak out because self-chosen outfit doesn't match and therefore you own NOTHING in your 50,000 item wardrobe worth wearing.

3. Must freak out because two previous freak outs have made you run late and therefore you are forced to take a quick breakfast of a yogurt and cheese stick in the car. (Be sure and make it clear that while you typically enjoy yogurt and cheese sticks, today you hate them more than if parental unit were to suggest eating dog poo and dirt).

4. Must reach quota of 5,000 separate complaints per day, ranging from weather and natural phenomena that no one can possibly do anything about to specific complaints regarding being signed up for volleyball camp even though you previously begged to sign up for volleyball camp.

5. All other conversational periods not filled with either complaints or freak outs must be filled with sullen sulking and/or looks of extreme boredom.

6. Any and all suggestions of cures for boredom or blues must be met with eye roll and shoulder shrugs. No suggestions can be entertained if coming from parental unit.

7. Should you decide to request anything (i.e. food, activity, etc) when the parental unit says it's ok, you must dismiss said activity or food with a shrug, ensuring that said parental unit knows they are not doing you any favors.

8. At least once a day, a request must be completely outlandish and insane (ex. getting a tattoo or shaving the dog), but when parental unit declines the request, World War III-inducing freak out must follow.

9. Reduce all conversation and comments (excluding, of course, freak outs) to the volume of a mumbled whisper so parental unit has to ask "what" thirteen times before understanding what you say. And, reserve the right to get super irritated when parents do not hear you, but lower voice exponentially as your irritation rises so that they definitely can't hear you while you freak out because they aren't listening.

10. Insert drugs and sex into mix to become full fledged teenager.


Tuffy said...

Those are the same guidelines that I still use at 32.

captcha: phise

Jounice said...

This post made me laugh so hard, so I would like to be the first to welcome you as a new member of the Mother of Teenagers club. This membership entitles you to be ignorged, talked to like you're an idiot because you were born an adult and do not have a clue what they could be going through, listening to constant whinning, the "yes, I can see my room needs to be cleaned, but you didn't tell me to do it...", and my favorite quirk of this club the "I don't know...I forgot to tell you I need..., you have a meeting with..., or I lost it...."

Welcome, a hardy welcome...!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad mine isn't the only one that took a turn for the worse at age 10. Two years later, the only improvement here has been that we very seldom have those conversations that go from 0-60 in a millisecond. You know the type? Where you're driving along and think you're going to actually have a normal conversation w/ your child. Next thing you know he/she is popping off at the mouth, you issue a warning, he/she continues to talk to you like somebody much bigger in size and stature, then you lay into him/her with the cold hard facts, he/she starts getting hysterical, you're yelling loud to get over the mass hysteria and finally... you envision an ejection button just to calm your overfried nerves-- that or a Valium! HA!

Anonymous said...

I see fun times ahead for you and me!
Laura the Famous

Anonymous said...

Oh My God! This post is so speaking to me right now! My gorgeous, lovely 10yr old girl has suddenly morphed into a moody, stroppy, stubborn, bored pre-teen. She acts like she hates being with us and unless she has a friend round at all times, her life is not worth living. Your post has really made me feel better though because it's not just my one that has changed so early (thought i had a couple more years to batten down the hatches). I feel scared for the teen years to come. help...

Amie said... you think she wants my Mary Kate and Ashley eyeshadow?

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mike - Oh yes, you are the brooding one!

Jounice - Uh... that is one exclusive club I didn't want to get in to.

Flo - At what age to they grow out of it? Because I am thinking boarding school until then.

Laura - Just you wait... that little vixen of yours is going to look 16 at age 10. You'll have way more problems than I do.

Mom Seeks Life - At least we can go through it together... or share Prozac. Either way.

Amie - Don't even get me started on her wearing makeup.