Murphy, about those laws...

Dear Murphy,

I am writing to you to let you know that I think your laws suck. I am not sure how you came to be in charge, but I am pretty sure you don't deserve it. You’re no Charles, now are you? But seriously…I don’t remember voting for you. I’ve never heard about the vetting process that put you in power. Have you paid all of your taxes? Really, who appointed your butt???

Specifically, I have the following complaints:

1. When I sweep the floors, it is really necessary for my dogs to track in mud??? I don’t mean ever… obviously floors get dirty. But the second I put the dust pan away, in comes MissyBellaYuki with those HUGE feet and all that black mud. Really? Does it have to be that soon???

2. Maybe just one time, if Jack sleeps unexpectedly late, could Will possibly do the same? I am not sure why one has to wake up at the butt crack of dawn EVERY DAY! Or worse, they both (by the grace of God) sleep in, but I have to be somewhere, so I have to get up and shower instead of bask in the glory of 6 hours of sleep instead of 4.5.

3. This is a big one, Murph. Can I call ya, Murph? Anyway… I never walk around naked. I am a no naked kind of gal. I even leave the room to change clothes when Mark is around. And, unfortunately for him, we have two kids, so I am pretty sure he’s seen it before. But, I am a modest chick. So, why… the one time I run downstairs sans pants (thanks Jack for crying right at that moment.. clearly you and Murphy are conspiring against me) is the one time Mr. TruGreen ChemLawn Hose Jockey is standing right at my front door? I am pretty sure he thinks I am the rudest person on Earth, because I think my cellulite dimpled lily white butt was hidden by the decorative glass (writing thank you note to house builder for putting that door in next), but I know he saw me standing there, so he must still be wondering (hours later) why I didn’t answer the door when he rang the bell, and knocked, and rang the bell, and knocked one more time.

In light of this and all other laws that you have inflicted upon us (please see Alanis Morissette’s Ironic for a full listing), please make like a Hell’s Kitchen chef and piss off.

Sincerely,
Me

WWYD?

Saturday night, a friend asked if I would get involved if I knew someone in the Rihanna/Chris Brown scenario. My first thought is, duh? Do you not know me by now? I get involved in just about any scenario. What? You're fighting about who should do the dishes? Let me tell you the my opinion. What? You need to know how to raise your kids? I have all the Super Nanny infused knowledge to lead you down the right path. Just take me with you when you go! What? You need a letter written to your orthodontist threatening to sue? I am on it! I may not be able to see clearly in my own life, but by God I have the insight and the 20/20 vision on everyone else's!!! I am nothing if not involved, so don't get me started on the Chris Brown/Rihanna thing. I got 'er covered!

The situation between Chris and Rihanna is so totally vague that I hate to even speculate (yeah right, I love me some speculation) on what happened. I would guess that they both got violent, and if I had a friend in that situation, I would make it pretty clear that is unacceptable. If you are a chick and you're with a dude that makes you mad enough to abandon all communication skills and resort to violence... the dude ain't your Mister Right. Likewise, if your dude lays a hand on you, provoked or not... dude ain't the man for you. This seems pretty cut and dry to me. There is such a thing as a "deal breaker" in my world, and violence on either person's part has to be it. And if I found out that any of my friends, male or female, was resorting to violence and/or the victim of it... I would get involved.

After our conversation, it got me wondering. What would you do? Am I rare in the fact that I would be involved? I wouldn't head in guns blazing and invite the batterer to take a swing at me... I have three kids to take care of. God knows I can't damn them to a life of delivery pizza and video games if Mark was a widowed dad. But, I would certainly pull up to the curb at 4am, to drive my friend away while the a**hole slept. And, until my friend was ready for that, I would be that bug in your ear every single day until you left saying, "You're too good for this. Don't stay. Go! Go! Go!" I am not sure I would sound as cheerleadery as that looks when typed out, but I'd risk it and say it anyway. So, I pose this question to the masses.... if you had a friend in that situation, would you get involved? Or would you wait til they figured it out themselves?

And while we are on the topic of violence, let me just throw this out there. There is a new blog called Violence Unsilenced at http://violenceunsilenced.com/. This is a forum for victims of domestic violence or other abuse to get their stories out. Victim or not, any reader will be touched by the bravery of these women and applaud the strength that it took to say "I will not be a victim anymore." Just last week a woman posted that she is living with an abusive boyfriend and was trying to get out. Total strangers offered either a place to say, financial assistance, loving support and it is that community-wide action that will make women feel empowered to leave. I highly recommend visiting this site, if for no other reason than just to say that the violence that one in four women suffers should not go silent anymore! We, as a people, are mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! See, told you I'd get involved!!!

The R Word *Updated*

I say a horrible word, and I say it all the time. I don't even mean it in the way that is offensive... but it still is and I am totally ashamed when it leaves my lips. I am admitting it here. I say the word retard. My excuse, though totally invalid, is that I don't even associate that word with people with developmental issues. I don't think of special needs people when I say it... I think of complete idiots. But, the world associates that word with special needs folks, and when I associate it with complete idiots... even if I am not meaning them... I dishonor them. I can see that now.

The amazing thing is that I NEVER use other slanderous and hurtful words. I would never utter the "n" word, or any other racial slur. Even when I am quoting someone, I don't use it. It makes me feel dirty, wrong and ashamed. I never call people a homo or a queer. I don't say something is gay, and mean that in a negative light. Gay isn't an insult and it shouldn't be used as one. I use the word queer, but only as its true definition... weird. And I don't consider that to be an insult because I would never call a homosexual queer. But, I call Mark a retard when he does something stupid. And we all know associating a whole group with Mark is just unfair. Ok, I take that back. This isn't a blog post to be funny, its very serious to me. I have been wrong and I can see that now.

John C. McGinley, Dr. Cox from Scrubs, has a son that has Down Syndrome. He appeared on The Bonnie Hunt Show on Monday and spoke about a group of special needs kids that went after Bill O'Reilly for calling someone a retard on his show. O'Reilly issued an apology and vowed to never use that word again. If he can do it, so SHOULD I. I can see that now.

The National Down Syndrome Society (ndss.org) is now working toward eradicating the use of that word, and I am declaring here and now that I am on board. This blog now represents the last time I will use that word. If I slip, point it out, because I will never again disrespect the special needs community and their families by casually tossing around a word that can cause so much pain. This is my apology to that community, and my attempt to spread the word that the R word is not ok. I can see that now, and I hope that you can too.

After rereading this post, I wanted to make specific apologies to two people. Number one is my dear friend Jounice. Jounice has two beautiful twin boys that have special needs, and she's been my friend for years. I can only imagine what she thinks when I use this word in her presence. I have never meant the word as a slam against her wonderful boys, but I am quite sure it hurt nonetheless, and made me a little bit smaller in her eyes every time I used it. For that I am sorry. And, to a reader Karen, who blogs at The Rocking Pony http://therockingpony.blogspot.com/. I read her blog daily, and gobble up the stories of her family, including her son Micah, who in her words is her "gift of Down syndrome." He is a gorgeous boy and I feel so bad that I use a word that he could hear some day and feel hurt by. I don't know him or Karen and more than likely will never meet, but I am sorry for disrespecting Micah when I've used this word. Intentionally or not, it is still disrespectful and a general apology to the world was not enough.

I am a bad parent

So, serious question for the mamas (and maybe papas, but only if they stay home with their children for extended periods… otherwise keep the hell out). Is it normal to want to lock yourself in your bedroom and hide from your children? And I don’t mean in a “count and come find me” sort of way, but in a “if I am really quiet, eventually they will just go away and hopefully not juggle steak knives while I sit here in the fetal position and cry” sort of way. Is that something all of the SAHMs (stay at home moms) go through or is it just me?

Hello?

Is this thing on?

I had a day yesterday. And I know, we all have days every day, but I am talking about a day. A DAY, PEOPLE!!! I was up at 7:15, which was late in the scheme of things for me (not as late as I want to sleep, but later than I typically get to), but at 7:45 the Tabbi started. When the Tabbi went to school, the Will took over. And when they say “when there’s a will, there’s a way” I think they meant to say “when there’s a Will, there’s a way to drive you absolutely freakin’ batty.” Love him, mean it… but really. REALLY! His fanny hit the naughty step about 9 times today. Nine times. I said no… he said yes. I said sit down, he stood up. I said don’t shut yourself in the fridge; he said… well, it was muffled by the closed door.

Sometimes, I sit here on days like this and wonder what I am doing wrong. Actually, I don’t wonder. I know. Everything. EVERYTHING! I can’t potty train him… I can’t school and human being train Tabbi. Really… I can’t do any of it. I want to go to bed and wake up when they’re both adults. And don’t even get me started on Jack. The update is that he has stopped crying… but he won’t nap in his crib and he is basically this adorably fat little blank slate that I will undoubtedly turn into the disaster that is the other two. Am I alone in this feeling or can I get an amen? Do we all have days when we sit here and wonder why we had kids and what we are going to do to make sure they aren’t mega failures? Am I destined to be that parent on Super Nanny that the world collectively tsks because she has totally screwed up her kids? Or, am I being too hard on myself (yes, please) because having kids is rough and we all have “those days?”

What kind of....

Monday night, my friend Homa came over for a visit. I had some errands to run, so she and I hopped in the car and brought Will along for a good time. I ran into CVS while Homa and Will waited in the car. Below is a reproduction of the conversation that took place. Bare in mind, I wasn't there and don't have the car bugged, so this is a loose recreation based on Homa's reiteration upon my return to the car.

Will: What is this, Homa? (Holding travel coffee mug).

Homa: Its a coffee cup.

Will: What kind coffee cup?

Homa: A travel coffee cup.

Will: What kind of travel coffee cup?

Homa: The kind that holds coffee.

Will: What kind coffee?

Homa: Hazelnut.

Will: What kind of hazelnut?

And with that, a toddler had the power to silence yet another biological clock.

Dear Jason

Dear Jason,

I am writing because I love you. You have made me the happiest person on the planet and I really think that we are meant to be together forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Love,

Lynn

Dear Jason,

Turns out... that didn't work as well as I'd hoped. I really like you...and I loved you when I wrote that message above, but things change. Its been 13 minutes (I had to go get Will out of bed and that took awhile) and during that time things just changed. I think I am going to go ahead and check out that first runner up. You know the drill... if you cannot fulfill your duties then the runner up shall take your place. Hand over the tiara (or diamond ring in this case) because its go time. Thanks anyway!

Sorry!

Lynn

Dear Jason,

I know this is Lynn's blog, but I hijacked it so I could write to you. I know I chose Jessie, but he cheated on me and so now I know that I picked the wrong person. If he hadn't cheated, I am pretty sure he and I would still be together and I wouldn't be writing you right now... but that doesn't matter. The point is... I am willing to take you as my runner up. That counts, right?

Love,

DeAnna

Dear Jason,

If DeAnna can do it, so can I. Betcha didn't know so many famous people read this blog?!?!?! Anyways, I am writing because I watched the Oscars back on Tivo... and I didn't look so hot. I mean, I looked hot. I always look hot... but you're divorced. You, like, know the pressure I am under to look good when the ex is around... and don't get me started on looking good in front of Brad when he has Angelina on his arm! And I took John Mayer? He dumps me on a regular basis and didn't even bother to wash his hair that day. There's no way I came out looking like I've got it all together with him as my date. So, if you don't mind... let's go ahead and let you take John's place. I know you can't sing (neither can he, really) but come on... you look almost as good as Brad, right? Right??? Ok, hold on a bit. Lemme see what Hugh Jackman's up to and I will let you know!

Love,

Jennifer

Dear Jason,

I am following in DeAnna and Jennifer's footsteps a little bit. Since this seems to be a forum to ask for second chances, I thought I better follow suit. I like to call myself a maverick, so following people might not be my first choice, but if Lynn can change her mind and DeAnna can change hers and Jennifer can flip flop hers (and just look at what you did to Melissa on national television last night), I guess its my turn. Remember how I picked that lady Sarah Palin for my running mate? (You think you screwed up with Melissa... don't get me started on this one!!!) I'd like a re-do, Bachelor style. Give me my rose back, Sarah! I think you should be my man, Jason. Let's face it... after what you did to an innocent former cheerleader/wannabe elementary school teacher last night, you can take on the Axis of Evil no problem! If you don't mind the whole runner up/hindsight being 20/20 thing... let's get together! I think you are the right choice for my campaign. But if not, we'll just break up at the follow-up show!

Love,

John McCain

PS... America? You, out there? I know you elected Mr. Obama... but if I could just get a second chance with you, too? It Runner Up day, after all! Gimme a call! Seriously... call me! Really!

Minivan Cometh

Ok, so I am getting a minivan and it makes me a little bit nauseous to admit, but with a family of five humans and two fur people... there is really no choice. I have resigned myself to this fact... now all I have to do is prepare. Here is my top 10 things to do to get ready for my minivan.

1. Purchase Celine Dion and Marie Osmond's greatest hits CDs.

2. Start DVRing the reruns of Touched By An Angel on the Hallmark channel.
3. Trade in my choppy layers for the standard mom bob.
4. Make weekly dinner menus comprised of meatloaf, Salisbury steak and other meat and potatoes combinations.
5. Practice taking the phone off the hook at noon so I can "watch my stories."

6. Get the words "sweetie," "darling" and "honey" incorporated into my vocabulary (and direct them toward my husband and kids).

7. Order set of holiday sweaters with sequins and bead work in a color scheme that will match my new van's paint job.

8. Stop meeting at bar for girls' night out, and instead meet at school for PTO functions.

9. Erase all sarcasm from conversation and attitude, and replace with smiles, sunshine and light.

10. Exchange high heel shoe and boot collection for practical Keds.

Check those suckers off the list and I will be minivan ready. Actually does anyone know where to get those family stick figures for my back window? I think I have to show proof of purchase before the dealership will hand over the keys!