Monday, March 9, 2009


Saturday night, a friend asked if I would get involved if I knew someone in the Rihanna/Chris Brown scenario. My first thought is, duh? Do you not know me by now? I get involved in just about any scenario. What? You're fighting about who should do the dishes? Let me tell you the my opinion. What? You need to know how to raise your kids? I have all the Super Nanny infused knowledge to lead you down the right path. Just take me with you when you go! What? You need a letter written to your orthodontist threatening to sue? I am on it! I may not be able to see clearly in my own life, but by God I have the insight and the 20/20 vision on everyone else's!!! I am nothing if not involved, so don't get me started on the Chris Brown/Rihanna thing. I got 'er covered!

The situation between Chris and Rihanna is so totally vague that I hate to even speculate (yeah right, I love me some speculation) on what happened. I would guess that they both got violent, and if I had a friend in that situation, I would make it pretty clear that is unacceptable. If you are a chick and you're with a dude that makes you mad enough to abandon all communication skills and resort to violence... the dude ain't your Mister Right. Likewise, if your dude lays a hand on you, provoked or not... dude ain't the man for you. This seems pretty cut and dry to me. There is such a thing as a "deal breaker" in my world, and violence on either person's part has to be it. And if I found out that any of my friends, male or female, was resorting to violence and/or the victim of it... I would get involved.

After our conversation, it got me wondering. What would you do? Am I rare in the fact that I would be involved? I wouldn't head in guns blazing and invite the batterer to take a swing at me... I have three kids to take care of. God knows I can't damn them to a life of delivery pizza and video games if Mark was a widowed dad. But, I would certainly pull up to the curb at 4am, to drive my friend away while the a**hole slept. And, until my friend was ready for that, I would be that bug in your ear every single day until you left saying, "You're too good for this. Don't stay. Go! Go! Go!" I am not sure I would sound as cheerleadery as that looks when typed out, but I'd risk it and say it anyway. So, I pose this question to the masses.... if you had a friend in that situation, would you get involved? Or would you wait til they figured it out themselves?

And while we are on the topic of violence, let me just throw this out there. There is a new blog called Violence Unsilenced at This is a forum for victims of domestic violence or other abuse to get their stories out. Victim or not, any reader will be touched by the bravery of these women and applaud the strength that it took to say "I will not be a victim anymore." Just last week a woman posted that she is living with an abusive boyfriend and was trying to get out. Total strangers offered either a place to say, financial assistance, loving support and it is that community-wide action that will make women feel empowered to leave. I highly recommend visiting this site, if for no other reason than just to say that the violence that one in four women suffers should not go silent anymore! We, as a people, are mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! See, told you I'd get involved!!!


Dawn in Austin said...

I would and have gotten involved. My friend slept on my couch for over six months. Better that than where she was before. And besides, what else is a couch good for, besides making potatoes of us all?

Busy Bee Suz said...

I would totally be the bug in my friends ear also...I would do whatever I could to get her out of the situation.
I grew up with domestic violence. It is no picnic.
Life is too short to be unhappy.

she just wants to be said...

Having been that woman, let me just say, "we don't want that bug!"
Tell us once after an incident, that you will be there for us. Remind us every so often, very gently that we can count on you.
Please don't make our problem and our man's 'evilness' the topic of most conversations. We love these men and we are trying to figure things out. We don't want to constantly hear how we are too good to be victims while we have Christmas dinner to prepare for this man, his family, and our own.....
If you become 'that bug' we will withdraw from you and hesitate to confide in you as things continue to happen. This will make us easier targets for him, the more isolated we feel.
So please do not be the bug in our ears, we already have that, and it's our own voices, we just need you to be there.

♥ Braja said...

You should go to Maggie Dammit's site...

she has another site that is a support of domestic violence victims

Anonymous said...

I would be there. Interesting comment from 'she just wants to be'. I have not been in a violent situation (thank God!) So it was good to hear her comment. She makes a lot of sence.
Laura the Semi-Famous

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Dawn - Good for you! What a generous thing to do for your friend!

Suz - I agree 100%.

She - I can see your point, but as a friend, I don't think I could do it. I couldn't sit back and watch you cook his Christmas dinner knowing that lumpy potatoes could put you in the hospital. I think I would have to say that I don't know how to deal with that situation, but I think that people do. I would beg that you go to counseling so that the counselor could help you through, and/or call a domestic abuse hotline like this one 1-888-743-5754. They can't make you leave, but they can be there to support you while you make the decision.

Braja - Thanks for that.

Laura - I agree, and also appreciate She Just Wants to be for showing us that side. It takes a brave person to open up about that situation, especially when you know everyone's knee jerk reaction is leave, leave, leave.

she just wants to be said...

I must apologize for hijaking your blog!!! I think with all the spot light on this topic right now, it is a time to just 'get it all out there.'

Obviously, I have a story, a bad one, as they all are.... I got out, my boys and I are safe, but I am still feeling the pain of the situation. Now that I am out and safe, I have been able to step back and see things that I couldn't while I was in the middle of it.

One of the things I have learned is that the battered and his/her children are not the only victims. Friends, mothers fathers, grandmothers, priests - anyone who loves the battered or batterer even- is a victim.
Anyone emotionally invested in either of them will be scared, and tormented, and betrayed in ways that are unimaginable.

This is part of the tragedy of domestic violence.

I think it is important to say that if you are close to anyone in an abusive situation - before you get too involved -outside of 'your're the best, I love you' do some reading, talk to a shelter, talk to someone who can give you professional support. It is an ugly, complicated, not so straight forward nightmare that can wreck havoc on even the strongest of souls.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Hijack anytime! I am really glad to hear that you got out, and I think its great that you tell you story, no matter where you tell it!