Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Switched at birth

I learned today that Will is not really my son. Ok, so I don't know that for sure, but the seed of doubt has been planted and someone with a greener thumb than mine is caring for it. I have always known that he doesn't look like me at all. He doesn't really act like me either, although he acts more like the Tasmanian Devil in Warner Brothers cartoons than anything else, so I am not sure that is indicative of anything. He loves to read, so that is kinda like me... but our taste in books is totally different. I am reading Jen Lancaster's Such a Pretty Fat and he is reading Little People A Trip to the Zoo. It has way too many doors to open for my taste, while Lancaster's dry sense of humor doesn't keep his interest. Nor does he care about her dieting problems, because let's be honest... he's never dieted a day in his life. How could he relate? But, those differences aside... his behavior this morning was the clincher. He woke up at 6:00a this morning like Mr. Perk Perky Perkerton and has yet to blink or yawn.

Picture Angelina Jolie screaming "That's not my son." That was me this morning although slightly less 1930's glamour and slightly more poundage. But, my plaid pajama bottoms and smudged mascara (both of which I am still wearing 3 hours later) just don't evoke the same image, so picture her instead. To say I am not a morning person is not even a strong enough statement. If I had my druthers, I wouldn't bat an eye until close to 10a. Ok, if I really had my druthers, I would not be even semiconscious until closer to noon. But, I have Will... and Jack... and Tabbi... and no druthers. If someone sees my druthers, please let me know. And can someone call Murphy and ask him to for a vote to change his laws? Because today, the day that Will decided to awaken earlier than roosters (well, I don't know that for sure, but I am willing to call Laura and ask), Jack was sound asleep until 7:30a. Not. Fair. At. All. If it weren't for Will's need to rise before the sun, I could have been asleep til 7:30a. I find it morally repugnant to be aroused prior to Good Morning America and today I was totally Good Morning Indiana. Sick and wrong.

So, I am putting a call in to St. Vincent Women's Hospital to find my real kid. He will be the one still sleeping soundly this morning. I will return the one that has spilled croutons all over the kitchen table, ripped a Styrofoam ball to bits and scattered styrodust all over the playroom floor, dumped Tabbi's cereal milk into the fish tank to feed the fish (don't worry, the last fish died over the weekend so he's not a murder), emptied the cleaning closet of all brooms, mops and vacuums, is playing an extremely loud electric sounding guitar and decided that diapers are for sissies (not yet potty trained) all by 9:12a. "I WANT MY SON BACK!" Sorry, channeling Angelina again.


tuffy said...

please explain to will that uncle mike also is not a morning person, and 6am is not acceptable over thanksgiving weekend. however, if he would like to stay up until 1am with uncle mike to watch the k-state game on friday night, he is more than welcome to do so.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mike - I have tried to discuss it with him... but he has been really busy unraveling an entire roll of toilet paper, learning that he can shoot the pink stuff out of a syringe and that is way more satisfying than eating it (especially when mommy saw it fly but still can't figure out where it landed) and eating spilled croutons out of a lemonade pitcher. He just isn't seeing anything my way right now. I may leave it to you to talk this out on Thursday.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about the fish passing away although it sounded in previous postings like their end did not come unexpectedly. As far as the other stuff goes, take it from an empty nester with kids grown and gone...your kids haven't gotten to their teens yet...that means YOU haven't seen nothin' yet!

Mark said...

I am so sorry I really tried to get him to understand that it was still time to sleep this morning while I was reading Clifford the Big Red dog to him in the bathroom

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

J.D. - Don't say that. If I ever get to sleep through the night, I will have nightmares.

Mark - Nice try. Didn't work.