Remember that game from elementary school called MASH? It stood for Mansion, Apartment, Shack and House. You listed off things like three guys, three jobs, three cities, and three numbers and count. When your gamer says stop, the number that you've gotten to is the way you eliminate your options until you are left with a fortune that tells your future. I am pretty sure I was going to marry Chuck Mowder (my 4th grade boyfriend), live in a house in Chicago, work as a vet and have 2 kids. Is it just me, or would you kill for such a easy way to tell you what to do with your life? Hmmm... who do I marry? I know... MASH will tell me and then its a done deal.This comes up because I went out with my girls last night. Homa, Sandra (yes, the one that was my friend, then wasn't my friend is back in the group...yay), Laura, Lori and Homa's sister Zain hit the local neighborhood joint and got into a discussion about Homa's love life. Without getting into details, the gist is that she is with a dude that her family may not approve of. He's not Mr. Perfect (who is???) and they are at the point where its... uh... poop or get off the pot. But, how do you know it's time to poop or time to get off the pot?
We all had our theories. Laura wanted Homa to know that marriage sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. She's been married for 20 years (happily-ish) and its hard. Hard. Hard. Hard. So you have to have a serious foundation of extreme love in order to make it work. So, her theory was that Homa better be pretty darn sure that love foundation is there because otherwise, when her marriage crumbles around her, they won't be able to pick up the peices. Have I ever told you that Laura is our nicest and typically more upbeat friend? Hmmm. Lori is big on Homa understanding that you can't change your man (not that Lori would ever need to. If anything we sit there and say... poor Jeff. Poor, poor, poor Jeff). Homa's dude is who he is, and you have to accept him as he is today. If he improves himself in the future, great... but if he stays exactly the same as he is today... you have to be ready to spend the rest of your life with that version of your guy. Sandra said to ignore the pressure. She, too, has felt marital pressure before and it is easy to get sucked into doing things that you know in your heart of hearts isn't right... but you feel like you've passed the point of no return. Zain just said no. But, I sit and wonder... how do we know? Plenty of relationships (mine included) look completely nutty to the outside world, but that doesn't mean the two involved don't get it? But then again, how can you see everything you need to see when you are the ones directly involved?
Homa asked me once how I knew Mark was the one. I cannot articulate an answer. I didn't doodle his name in my notebook and I sure didn't get my future from a paper game. But, I just knew (although I question it on a regular basis). How do you pick between a family that you've had forever and a man that you love, but is so new in comparison? Do you take that leap of faith? And if you do, how do you know that Mr. Right wasn't shopping at the sushi counter of your neighborhood grocery store, but you weren't there because you were wedding dress shopping because Mr. Right Now proposed and the possibility of being alone forever outweighed whether or not this guy is right for you? How do you know that just because he is your polar opposite in every way doesn't mean that his opposite traits were meant to strengthen you in the same way your qualities were meant to strengthen him? I guess the question is... how do you know?
11 comments:
I should explain it all to you. I had it all figured out, but I can't articulate it through my massive cynicism, so sorry. You're on your own. Bummer, huh?
captcha: bescoco
For the record, I do love Ryan for who he is today…he is a man who has served his country, is overcoming some health issues, is going to school full-time in order to finish next year and start on his career of teaching and coaching. I have faith in him that he will fulfill his potential, and even more. This relationship has made us both better people, he loves me unconditionally, we’ve made compromises along the way, he knows my family, traditions, customs and values are part of who I am, and he has educated himself to understand, accept, and embrace them.
Yes, we will have family issues to deal with, but I need to be honest with my family and deal with them first before I can have any sort of future with Ryan. Looking towards the future, I know Ryan will do what he needs to in order to provide for his family, he will be an amazing father, and he will embrace a family life with love and acceptance that wasn’t provided to him.
Is there such a thing as a Mr. Right, or even a Mrs. Right out there, some may think so, or may even think they are. But, I want to continue to take this journey with Ryan…not saying marriage tomorrow, but the planning and working towards our future.
The answer is -- you don't know. You can know two people who truly seemed meant for each other that don't make it a year. Others (like many of us reading this) seem to having nothing in common but live mostly "happily ever after." It's all about gut feelings. But you definitely have to accept the other person as they are -- expecting only minor modifications! It's a mystery.
Yo mama hit the nail on the head...you don't know. You never know. There's no lightbulb over your head, there's no bolt of lightning, there's no violins in the background, and there's no assurance anyone is the right choice. The only formula that has a chance of working is to understand that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. More than likely, what you see before you jump over the line is pretty close to what you're still going to see after you make your jump.
Love, love, loved the game of MASH! Ummm... I think I'll have to force my 12-year-old son to play now. Muah, ha, ha!
Anyways, for me... I knew "The One" was "The One" when I COULD live without him and suffer singledom forever... but I didn't want to. I finally stopped measuring life on the accomplishment of marriage, and then marriage just happened. Make sense? I dunno!
I also found in my "Mr. Right" all the qualities I never had and wished I did.
One final note, I knew to take the plunge when I realized that the person I was marrying did not view giving up as an option (in the words of one Mr. Will Smith).
Love this topic and I may do a link to it on one of my blogs. (Wow. That sounded pretentious. Not intended so at all.)
How do you know? Well I think the answer is you don't, or else our divorce rate wouldn't be so high. As someone who has been divorced, I will say it sucks. Big time. But as someone who is willing to take the leap again, (older and wiser?) I will say that I agree you can't go into it expecting the person to change. I would love Adam just as he is 30 years from now. I know his flaws. Am well aware that I will spend my life with action figures and nerd games. I also know that we are 100% committed to making this work. And by work, I mean, so far it hasn't taken much work. But if it did some day, I know we would both dig in and make it happen.
I guess if I had to sum it up I would say, you can't predict the future but you can commit to it.
Mike - Awww...cynical doesn't look as good on you as it does on me.
Homa - Here are my thoughts. What is more important... a man who is muslim who may or may not make you happy or a man who makes you happy and isn't mulsim, but respects your religion and customs and totally agrees with the idea of raising children in that culture. What is wrong with a man that isn't in a current career, but devotes his time to his education so that he will have a great career some day? And, where his family may not be the kind that you look at and just die to be a part of... he is a good man and on some level they contributed to making him that man, and for that alone deserve respect. But, I think the best thing you said is that the fear of your parents' reaction is holding you back. Talk to them. Today. Tomorrow. And get past that so you that you can Ryan can move forward.... whichever direction you choose.
Mom and JD - Older and wiser, for sure. I don't think you know... and in life there are no absolutes. But, Homa and Ryan make each other happy... and I think they make the other a better person. How could you need more than that?
Flo - That's deep yo. I think you're right. Knowing you want to be with someone is more than thinking you can't live without him. And, I think you're also right, that in my case, Mark is everything I never knew I wanted. I think Ryan is the same for Homa.... we just need her family to see it.
Quirky - I love that. You don't know the future, but you can commit to it. I think that is exactly how Mark and I are. We are not perfect and we've struggled in our four years... but we know we can get through the tough stuff because we work at it. That is the best you can hope for... someone who is equally committed to work toward it.
WOW-ZER! I called Homa this am, did not know you had posted this yesterday. Everyone who posted comments had some really smart thoughts!! Love it. The big reason I mentioned everything coming crumbling down was so I could see the look on Jeff's face- priceless. All I am say'n is it takes work on both sides and you can't change 'em. Love ya Homa-Hope the discussion with you parents goes well!!!
Laura the Famous
Laura the Famous - You are exactly right... and still a little bit of a downer. Marriage does crumble. The key is if you are strong enough to rebuild.
cycnical is the only way to be on a post like this. all that stuff about "The one" and all that is bs, of course. :)
captcha: gradashn
I'm in my first relationship, but it's lasted almost four years (as a total, not counting the four months we didn't talk, one breakup, six slow months of getting to know each other, and two of those years not being in person since we met online). Whew! That was more than anyone needed to know, right? Oh, well.
So, long story short, we met online. He was the first guy to talk to me who wasn't swearing or aksing me to flash him. That scored him major points. I didn't tell him to get lost, which apparently scored me some major points, too. After talking for many hours a day and several very rough spots (since you don't always know what the other means without hearing their voice and seeing their face) I left my family and moved (by Greyhound bus!) across the province to live with a man I'd never met, who was more than twice my age, who has been the reason I keep breathing and eating and trying my best for the last while.
He was worth it. We each have our flaws that annoy the other, but our relationship was built on conversation. Sometimes we still talk for ten hours at a time, but in person. We have a history that makes us laugh even as others back away to call the rubber-room guards to ask them if anyone escaped. I can tell him anything, he can tell me anything, and we trust each other with our lives.
I never felt love before, but this is it. It gets to the point where I'm so relaxed it's like we're hardly in love, just friends, but in a way, that's good. I don't have to impress him, and he doesn't try to impress me, but we find that we impress each other anyway. A few posts back, you asked about soul mates - and this is mine.
SO sorry I wrote so much. Yikes!
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