Monday, January 11, 2010

Sanity Check

OK, so I think I might be depressed. I am not really sure how you know you are depressed, so I am relying on a TV commercial for a depression medication and it said that I am. So, I think I must be. It said that if I were depressed, I would want to lay in bed all day. CHECK. If I were depressed, I would either never eat or eat all the time. CHECK on the latter option. If I were depressed, I would avoid social situations. CHECK again. Uh oh.

I really do want to lay in bed all day. I tried to on Friday, and I would have succeeded too, if it weren't for those pesky kids. I stayed in bed a good chunk of Saturday morning, and I totally stayed in bed til like 11a on Sunday. And today, I was up with Jack at 6:44a, but I went back to bed at 8:00a and stayed until Mark made it really clear that he WAS going to work and therefore I HAD to actually get back out of bed and raise our kids. Stupid Mark and his stupid work ethic. And now that Jack is napping and Will is playing trains, I am thinking about sneaking back up to the feathery goodness that is my bed. So, am I depressed? Or, am I just recovering from a virus and tired from our all nighter thanks to Jack's stomach pyrotechnics. The commercial didn't answer me when I asked about extenuating circumstances.

I eat. A lot. Evidence? See blog number two, the diet blog, that was abandoned after a two week stint of healthy eating. They say nothing tastes as good as thin feels? I say, have you ever had my mom's lamb chops? It tastes pretty darn good. But, I tend to eat the same amount whether or not I am happy, sad, tired, angry or mad. Like the postman, I am nothing if not dependable. So, are my food issues depression? Or, are they hunger coupled with poor portion control? I kinda wish it was depression.... then there would be light at the end of my fat tunnel.

And, I do avoid social situations. Although, only with people I don't want to be social with. So, what does that tell me? I don't enjoy making new friends, so if a social occasion requires that I talk to people I don't already know and like, then I am not interested. There, I said it. I have a core group of good friends that I really like spending time with. Anyone else... not so much. I don't do small talk. I don't fake nice for long before I just give up and show my real personality which tends to send people running for the hills. And, I don't want to be around people where I have to feel impressive. I am not a performing monkey... I don't want to be funny on command and I don't want to explain why I may or may not be wearing my florescent red streaked hair in pigtails today. I am. Why? Because I wanted to and guess what, my friends already know I am weird, so I don't care if this solidifies it for them.

Beside the commercial's diagnosis, I have wondered off and on if I have something wrong with my noggin (and yes, more than just the pigtails). Life with a certain 10 year old is weighing heavily on me right now, and I often wonder if it would be easier if I were medicated. But, is it depression that is making it rough, or is it the obstinate 10 year old who can't get it together? If there was a medication for her, believe me, she'd be on it already. I don't sit around my house crying, but there are times, like last night when I climbed the stairs for bed that I truly thought my life was pathetic. Every day is exactly the same and I accomplish nothing. (I know... insert "you're doing the hardest, bestest job on earth" crap here). I love my kids, and I mean LOVE. I love, love, love them and I cannot imagine my life without them. I am still in the phase that when I am gone for awhile, like for an evening to see dinner and a movie, I actively miss them. I was so used to Will sleeping with us for part of the night that I actively miss him there sometimes (although when he joined us last night for half the night, I actively wished he would go back to his own stinking bed, and/or quit putting his foot, butt or head on my face). So, I wonder... is this normal to sit here and wonder if this is really as good as it gets... or is the commercial right and I need some help?

And really... if the TV is talking to me, isn't that the answer right there????


Tuffy said...

I don't know how much of this you're joking about and how much you're serious (the curse of being eternally sarcastic... I have it too), but I can relate to parts of it.

We all go through times when we fit the commercials, and times when we don't. The commercials are designed to make you think you need the meds. Perscription drug sales have gotten huge since commercialsfor them took over, because they feed our hypochondria.

At the same time, sometimes people need a little chemical help from time to time...

How's that for a non helpful comment?

Jounice said...

It's just being a mother/step-mother, it's just being a wife, it's just being Monday! Are you depressed...I don't think so. If you are I'm right there with you. I made the kids go to bed at 8:00 last night just because I was tired of them asking me questions. I think you are asking the questions, especially mothers, ask when they are tired and worn out: "when is it my turn and can I just use the bathroom without a knock on the door".

Depression by definition is a sense of hopelessness. If that were you, you couldn't have written this post to even ask the question.

Do what I do...turn the channel!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mike - It's a sarcastic telling of a truthful feeling. Does that make it clearer? I really do feel that way, but I think that life right now is just hard. The question is... will drugs make it easier? I am not sure. Tabbi is at a really rough patch, Will is soooo much energy, Jack won't talk and his grunts are hard to decipher, and there doesn't seem to be enough money or time in the day. But, I am not sure Prozac will change any of it. Maybe I need to win the lotto and hire a nanny. That might be a better solution. Then again, maybe it won't stress me so much if I was medicated. Who knows.

Jounice - Good comment!!! Really, really good comment. I think you are exactly right.

Jill said...

Good to see you are writing again. Although I don't have any kids, I too know how you feel at times. I think the winter makes it worse. Everything is always gloomy.

Anyway, hope you get through the rough patch! I think I am going back to bed. :O

TexInTheCity said...

Girl, I'm with you! I think my mojo has gone on vacation with my energy and I am sure they are both having an affair with my sex drive.

I'm going back bed.

Amie said...

I have to wonder if being at home all day like you are (I assume) w/o a lot of interaction with other people (besides your kids) has something to do with it. I can tell you that this stupid job of mine is really getting to me. It's isolating to be at home without anyone to talk to most of the day (adult conversation in your case). I might get up in the morning and fully intend to go some where after work, but when the day ends I no longer want to leave the house. So, I stay home for days at a time. And, I totally hear you on the social situations. No solution here, just a thought.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Jill - I think you are right. It's been insanely cold and snowy, so we've been trapped in the house most of the time. I do think that contributes to my "crabbies."

Tex - I should just talk to you every day. You crack me up.

Amie - I know exactly what you mean. I love the preschool days because I am dressed early and out and about, so I am motivated to make an effort... but on the non-preschool days where I don't HAVE to leave the house... it can be really, really lonely and blah. And once you hit the blahs, it is so hard to claw your way back out.