OK, so I think I might be depressed. I am not really sure how you know you are depressed, so I am relying on a TV commercial for a depression medication and it said that I am. So, I think I must be. It said that if I were depressed, I would want to lay in bed all day. CHECK. If I were depressed, I would either never eat or eat all the time. CHECK on the latter option. If I were depressed, I would avoid social situations. CHECK again. Uh oh.
I really do want to lay in bed all day. I tried to on Friday, and I would have succeeded too, if it weren't for those pesky kids. I stayed in bed a good chunk of Saturday morning, and I totally stayed in bed til like 11a on Sunday. And today, I was up with Jack at 6:44a, but I went back to bed at 8:00a and stayed until Mark made it really clear that he WAS going to work and therefore I HAD to actually get back out of bed and raise our kids. Stupid Mark and his stupid work ethic. And now that Jack is napping and Will is playing trains, I am thinking about sneaking back up to the feathery goodness that is my bed. So, am I depressed? Or, am I just recovering from a virus and tired from our all nighter thanks to Jack's stomach pyrotechnics. The commercial didn't answer me when I asked about extenuating circumstances.
I eat. A lot. Evidence? See blog number two, the diet blog, that was abandoned after a two week stint of healthy eating. They say nothing tastes as good as thin feels? I say, have you ever had my mom's lamb chops? It tastes pretty darn good. But, I tend to eat the same amount whether or not I am happy, sad, tired, angry or mad. Like the postman, I am nothing if not dependable. So, are my food issues depression? Or, are they hunger coupled with poor portion control? I kinda wish it was depression.... then there would be light at the end of my fat tunnel.
And, I do avoid social situations. Although, only with people I don't want to be social with. So, what does that tell me? I don't enjoy making new friends, so if a social occasion requires that I talk to people I don't already know and like, then I am not interested. There, I said it. I have a core group of good friends that I really like spending time with. Anyone else... not so much. I don't do small talk. I don't fake nice for long before I just give up and show my real personality which tends to send people running for the hills. And, I don't want to be around people where I have to feel impressive. I am not a performing monkey... I don't want to be funny on command and I don't want to explain why I may or may not be wearing my florescent red streaked hair in pigtails today. I am. Why? Because I wanted to and guess what, my friends already know I am weird, so I don't care if this solidifies it for them.
Beside the commercial's diagnosis, I have wondered off and on if I have something wrong with my noggin (and yes, more than just the pigtails). Life with a certain 10 year old is weighing heavily on me right now, and I often wonder if it would be easier if I were medicated. But, is it depression that is making it rough, or is it the obstinate 10 year old who can't get it together? If there was a medication for her, believe me, she'd be on it already. I don't sit around my house crying, but there are times, like last night when I climbed the stairs for bed that I truly thought my life was pathetic. Every day is exactly the same and I accomplish nothing. (I know... insert "you're doing the hardest, bestest job on earth" crap here). I love my kids, and I mean LOVE. I love, love, love them and I cannot imagine my life without them. I am still in the phase that when I am gone for awhile, like for an evening to see dinner and a movie, I actively miss them. I was so used to Will sleeping with us for part of the night that I actively miss him there sometimes (although when he joined us last night for half the night, I actively wished he would go back to his own stinking bed, and/or quit putting his foot, butt or head on my face). So, I wonder... is this normal to sit here and wonder if this is really as good as it gets... or is the commercial right and I need some help?
And really... if the TV is talking to me, isn't that the answer right there????