Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Prayer for Strength

Dear Lord,

Hi, I am Lynn. Remember me? I don't pray much, so I might not ring a bell. My brother does... so you know Mike... yeah Tuffy. I am his sister. You could remember me the way they did at Kansas State... I am Lynn, AKA Tuffy's Little Sister. I come around every now and then... usually only when I want something. I realize that's not really the intent of prayer, but at least I am honestly owning up to it, right? Hey, can I throw a little repentance in here for that? Thanks! Anyhoo, so yeah... I want something. Oops. Maybe the repentance should come at the end. If I forget to write it again, throw it in at the bottom. Cut and paste, if you will.

Anyhoo, (I told you I'm not so good at this) could you please give me strength to deal with my stepdaughter? I need it. I don't feel like a strong enough person to deal with all of her crap. Can you say "crap" to God? Probably not. We've been having a few good weeks, God. You know that... you're everywhere.... not in the shower, right? No one should have to see that... not even supernatural beings who created us. And, seriously God, while we're talking... if you created us in your image, how come some get to look to Angelina Jolie and others get to look like... well, me? Not fair. Oops... probably shouldn't complain when asking for something, right? Right. Back to Tabbi.

She is really struggling, God, and I don't know if I have the ability to deal with it. I know all kids come with challenges, but truly this is beyond me. She creates problems. You know that... you were here last night (and sorry for taking your name in vain so often watching Top Chef, but those cheftestants are a little cocky and it kept annoying me). She intentionally lost that big report and the fit she threw after (when she realized I would make her redo it from scratch) was ginormous. And then the lying and the "poor me, you're so mean to me" act just drives me nutty. I have never been around someone that could make me SOOOOOO mad before. And I used to work with some annoying people. (You know who they were.) I tried so hard not to ground her and make her miss the first birthday party she's been invited to ALL YEAR. But, she MAKES me. How many warnings do you give before you have to act? I am not going to quote the Bible to you (you were there), but I am pretty sure Adam and Eve only got one warning about that apple and bam... consequences! Very Super Nanny... I like that. I gave her more warnings than I typically would just because I didn't want to take that party away, but its like she craves getting in trouble.

Anyway, God, I think my point is that my mortal self just doesn't have the strength for this. I don't have the unconditional love for her that I do my own children. The kind of love that means you still love them even when they drive you batty. You know, the kind you have for... well, all of us. I don't have that for her. I used to care for her and really enjoy our relationship, but I don't even have that anymore. She reduces almost every evening to misery and I feel like its unfair and resent her for it. I feel like four of our happinesses (is that a word, God? Do we need to pray in proper grammar?) is sacrificed for one. (No lightening bolts yet... must be coming.) Mark and I are miserable and Will and Jack are being raised in a house that is in constant tension and often yelling. What kind of childhood is that for them? I know we can't send her back to Mother of the Year, and I know that I am at fault for not having that kind of affection for her. But, God, that is where you come in. I just need the strength to either find it or fake it. Right now I can't do either. Please help me to become the person I need to be to help her become the person she could be.

Amen.

(Oh and insert repentance for only praying when I need something here.)

Amen again.

10 comments:

Crazy Mo said...

Oh sweetie! Try not to agonize over it. I remember when I was in my Tweens, growing up in a French Canadian home. My dad was VERY strict about us speaking French at home. It was mandatory. He overheard me speaking English to my mom and he grounded me for my entire summer holidays. July and August. No outings, no sleep overs. I hated him that summer. But I look back now and I can't possibly hate that man. I love him to bits. And I got over it. Tabbi will too.

Amie said...

I don't have any words of advise,all I can say is that I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you're trying to do for her is so awesome, and I wish that she knew and appreciated that so she could be a happy kid, and take advantage of all you and Mark have given her and want to give her. :o(

Busy Bee Suz said...

Wow. Well written and I hope he comes through. Not sure if he reads blogs....but glad to know he is NOT in my shower. (thanks for clearing that up)
How old is Tabbi?
I have not had any dealing with the craziness yet, although my 15 yr old and I are kinda butting heads right now. It seems the age I suppose.
Have you both sat down and talked with her about your expectations for her? I am sure you have, maybe you have to revisit. I feel for you...it must be even harder when it is not your flesh and blood that you have had since day ONE of their life. She obviously spent some time with the not so great Mom, and now you are all paying the price.
keep us updated.....just take a deep breath....and remember tomorrow is a new day.
good luck, suz

Kat said...

From what I hear the tween years can be hell on everyone. And that is when they aren't step children. I imagine it is even harder in this case. Plus, she must have some emotional damage she is working on if her biological mom is a piece of work. What a SHITuation (as my dad used to say).
Praying always works. But so does counting to ten. ;)
Good luck to you. Prayers for you too! :)

Karen said...

I feel your pain, and I'm sorry. We've got a teenaged daughter as well. I think their mission in life is to slowly kill us.

And I've prayed many a times and used the word "crap." God understands.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mo - I hope she ends up respecting us half as much as you do your father.

Amie - Thanks!!! I feel sorry for me, too. Is that wrong?

Suz - My friend Lori wanted to post my "Rules of the House" so that everyone could see my expectations. They are posted on the fridge (a total Super Nanny suggestion) and we've discussed them ad nauseum. Thanks for the suggestion though. Keep them coming, we need all the help we can get. Oh and she's going to be ten in a week.

Kat - Shituation is possibly the coolest word I have ever seen. And you are dead on about the baggage. I just need to remember that.

Karen - I think you are right. They are either trying to kill us or have us committed so they can take over the world.

Anonymous said...

Wtf is wrong with you? I hope she/her mother never reads this. Maybe you should stop teating her like a stepdaughter!?!?!?!?

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Anonymous (AKA Person Too Afraid to Link Their Name to this Comment) - If you were literate and read the post in its entirety, you would probably see that I am asking for God to give me the strength to do just that.

"...and I know that I am at fault for not having that kind of affection for her. But, God, that is where you come in. I just need the strength to either find it or fake it."

Good tip, though, genius! I will really work on how I am "teating" her.

tuffy said...

Good prayer. Theologically speaking, God is in the shower. Pretty sure He doesn't care how things are looking in there though.

Much love,

Mike

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mike - Thanks for that. Now I feel a little dirty in the shower... and that is supposed to be a clean place!