Thursday, February 5, 2009

Who would wipe your butt?

This is one of those "a friend of a friend" stories, but I swear its real. I am just going to leave out some of the names, since its about people I don't even know and therefore feel a little bad about "outing" on my blog. I don't give that same consideration for people I actually know, so Lori...this entry's for you!

Lori was telling me about a friend of her friend who broke her pelvis in a car accident. At least, I think it was a car accident. That part of the story was clearly not the part that interested me most. So, for my purposes of this blog, we'll pretend like I listened well enough to KNOW it was a car accident. Either way, broken pelvis is the key. Lori said it was not just an average broken pelvis either... apparently this woman (we'll call her Elocin because everyone needs a name) has been put back together thanks to the miracles of modern medicine combined with the miracle of Home Depot inventory. We're talking metal plates, nuts, bolts, screws etc. They practically had to call in Jeff the Wonder Fixer to put her back together again. (Apparently all the king's horses and all the king's men were busy). Poor Elocin had a nice little stay in the hospital, but luckily has now been moved to a rehab facility (not the drug kind) for the duration of her recovery. Broken pelvises will do that to you. Her friend, my friend Lori's friend (we'll call her... Yak Yram) went to see her in the hospital and at that time Elocin had to go number two (I don't think the defecation had anything to do with Yak Yram specifically... it was just bad timing). She obviously cannot get up and head to the water closet, so she took a number two in a bed pan. It took the nurses FOREVER to get in there and help Elocin clean up, so finally Yak Yram did the right thing and wiped Elocin's butt for her. That, my friends, is friendship. And it made me wonder... who do I like enough to wipe their butt?

I had this conversation with Lori last night and flat out declared that I do not like her enough to wipe her butt. But... that is probably not true. If she needed, I would do it. We agreed as a group that it would probably be easier to wipe your girlfriend than your husband... because who would want to look at or think of their husband that way? I think it might kill the romance for good. I know there are couples out there who (hypothetically) shower with the curtain open while their mate takes a pooper, but I am not one half of that couple. I like potty activity to be private (or kept between me and my cyber readers). I can think right now of a few people who I would wipe (and no, I am not going to list them here... if you think you are one of those people I am not going to dash your hopes and dreams by admitting you're not). But, the list is short. Plus, really, the more important question is... who would wipe me???


Anonymous said...

Now that's a friend. I had a hard enough time when my kids were still in diapers. Whew, glad that's over.

I think my poop list is "wiped clean" of anyone I'd be willing to do that to.

Homa said...

Sorry friends, you're on your own. I helped my brother thru similar circumstances, and saw enough of his privates to last me a lifetime. I'll just wait on the nurse.

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is funny. well, not someone breaking their pelvis. that is NOT funny.
I suppose I would do it for any one I loved....cause, they would HAVE to do it for me. Or I would just stay on a liquid diet. for real. I also, do my private stuff, PRIVATE. yuck. who wants to see that?
After reading all the names you made up...I feel compelled to say, your husband must have named your kids.
silly girl.

Laura the Famous said...

Man I am soooo sorry I missed that conversation!!! Also, I will never have an 'open door' policy, unlike some we know.

Momo-Mama said...

I would wipe if wiping were neccesary, but I would also barf if barfing were neccessary...Nuff Said!

Amie said...

I've never wiped anyone's butt...and I would kind of like to keep it that way.

the mama bird diaries said...

Wow. I've never pondered this. i don't even want to wipe my own butt.

pat said...

Uhh, I am with you pooping togetherness for me either.

bernthis said...

Wow, now that is something I'm going to ponder at least a few days. Who would wipe my butt? No one comes to mind at the moment.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Lisa - Wiped clean... I like it.

Homa - Eww.

Suz - Amazingly I came up with Will and Jack. Tabbitha isn't mine, so I take no responsbility for that name... or the fact that they decided to spell it wrong just to make her unique. No wonder she has problems.

Laura - I thought you'd appreciate the inclusion of that story.

Momo-Mama - I hear that!

Amie - You would do it, if you had two hands to do it with.

Mama Bird - That is a good point.

Pat - I think we should start a club.

Bern - Aww... I bet someone would if you needed wiping. If not, I would make that the goal for this year... create a bond strong enough to include butt wiping.

metamorphstorm said...

Because my boyfriend and I have the most random conversations in the world, we talked about it the other night in the truck on the way home from the grocery store and somehow, this topic came up. I don't even know why! We agreed we'd do it for each other if necessary, but obviously we were both embarrassed to admit we poop and will be twice as embarrassed if ever the other has to see (and deal with) said poop.

...and, uh, that's about the most interesting conversation I've had today. Haha! I'm not proud to say the topic was even brought up, but I guess I'm glad to have someone who'd do even that for me!