This is one of those "a friend of a friend" stories, but I swear its real. I am just going to leave out some of the names, since its about people I don't even know and therefore feel a little bad about "outing" on my blog. I don't give that same consideration for people I actually know, so Lori...this entry's for you!
Lori was telling me about a friend of her friend who broke her pelvis in a car accident. At least, I think it was a car accident. That part of the story was clearly not the part that interested me most. So, for my purposes of this blog, we'll pretend like I listened well enough to KNOW it was a car accident. Either way, broken pelvis is the key. Lori said it was not just an average broken pelvis either... apparently this woman (we'll call her Elocin because everyone needs a name) has been put back together thanks to the miracles of modern medicine combined with the miracle of Home Depot inventory. We're talking metal plates, nuts, bolts, screws etc. They practically had to call in Jeff the Wonder Fixer to put her back together again. (Apparently all the king's horses and all the king's men were busy). Poor Elocin had a nice little stay in the hospital, but luckily has now been moved to a rehab facility (not the drug kind) for the duration of her recovery. Broken pelvises will do that to you. Her friend, my friend Lori's friend (we'll call her... Yak Yram) went to see her in the hospital and at that time Elocin had to go number two (I don't think the defecation had anything to do with Yak Yram specifically... it was just bad timing). She obviously cannot get up and head to the water closet, so she took a number two in a bed pan. It took the nurses FOREVER to get in there and help Elocin clean up, so finally Yak Yram did the right thing and wiped Elocin's butt for her. That, my friends, is friendship. And it made me wonder... who do I like enough to wipe their butt?
I had this conversation with Lori last night and flat out declared that I do not like her enough to wipe her butt. But... that is probably not true. If she needed, I would do it. We agreed as a group that it would probably be easier to wipe your girlfriend than your husband... because who would want to look at or think of their husband that way? I think it might kill the romance for good. I know there are couples out there who (hypothetically) shower with the curtain open while their mate takes a pooper, but I am not one half of that couple. I like potty activity to be private (or kept between me and my cyber readers). I can think right now of a few people who I would wipe (and no, I am not going to list them here... if you think you are one of those people I am not going to dash your hopes and dreams by admitting you're not). But, the list is short. Plus, really, the more important question is... who would wipe me???