Wednesday's What the...

Ok, have you ever been sitting at lunch, innocently reading your Parents/Good Housekeeping/Family Circle (insert any other magazine here) and come across those hideous ads for skin rash creams? I realize that people suffer from a lot of skin issues, and they have my utmost sympathy, but those "before" photos are just not right. I don't think people buy that crap just because there is a hideously deform-a-rash in one photo and the prom queen with skin as smooth as a baby's behind in the next photo. (Although not my baby's behind because he has a diaper rash from h-e-double hockey sticks... and no, I will not include a photo here). I just think they need to issue a warning before you flip the page and see that stuff. "Attention - Skin Cream Ad on next page. Read at your own risk." Gore (and not Al) has a warning on tv, movies and video games... I think there should be in magazines, too. Its just no good when you're halfway through the recipe for 30 minute turkey tetrazzini and you turn the page to that. You'll never end up making that tetrazzini, that's for sure.

Now, Mr. Bachelor Guy.... I previously confessed my love for you, but no more. I am not so sure you are Mr. Perfect after all. On Monday, three women were left. All three professed their undying love for him (which undoubtedly is real since they've known each other for two weeks and went on perfect romantic dates that really happen in real life land). His response to each and every one was to sit there with a stupid smirk and then make out with them. And seriously, Jason, what was that make out session in the hot tub with Jillian? Gigolo, party of one. Who does that and then kicks the chick off the show? If you hadn't watched this week's show and I just ruined it, sorry! And you women... what the hell? I love the show, and my life is better because these women are pathetic... but come on! You confess your love for the dude and all he does is offer some tongue action?!?!?! Why is that ok? I realize its a show and he can't tell you he loves you back, but he could tell you he cares for you and blah blah blah. But, no... he swaps spit with you (and two other chicks) and you're aok! It kinda makes me sad to have a vajayjay.

And speaking of reality... Joaquin Phoenix? What reality are you living in? This one gets a picture, in case you don't know what this man has done to himself. First... the old Joaquin.

Foxy. Handsome. Brooding? Yes. But sexy brooding. Alluring, brooding. Now... the new Joaquin.
The characters on Lost don't look this scruffy and they were stranded on a desert island for well, I don't watch the show, but I am pretty sure they were there long enough to look like this and still chose to shave with a conch shell instead of growing that forest. And what is with his behavior? He wants to be a musician, not an actor, so he becomes a freak? Is Marilyn Manson his musical role model? He was on David Letterman's show promoting his movie, and either forgot or acted like he forgot his co-star's name. Not that you could blame him... it was only GWYNETH PALTROW! Its not like she isn't uber famous or anything! I want the old Joaquin back!

And, apparently reality tv is at the top of my what the hell list this week, because what the hell was Jackie Tohn wearing on American Idol last night? I assume she sang, but I have no idea if it was good or bad, because I was in shock from her nightmare of an ensemble. I have scoured the web for a picture and can't find it... undoubtedly because it was too hideous that the Internet Gods feared we would all shut down our browsers at the sight. Spandex is a privilege, not a right. And, wearing it as pants is never a good idea (barring Olivia Newton John in Grease, which was still iffy, but she is an icon and so we forgive that one time). This Am Id contestant was 80's cocktail party from the waist up and Jazzercise from the waist down. Seriously, black spandex pants and huge, puffy basketball sneakers. Did she need to be able to change quickly to go play in a WNBA game or what? And her belt was this super thick red pleather number with a strapless black and white polka dot tube top. All she was missing was a sweat band in her hair and I would have been transported back to 1985. Truly, she could have been the performance of the night, but I have no idea. I was lost in a world of radical and gnarly until she was off the screen. Only then did I snap out of my need to wear a snap bracelet, tight roll my jeans and quit repeating "where's the beef?"

Lastly, you know I love me some Sarah Palin, and this week is no exception. I watched the interview with her daughter Bristol on Fox News, and I have to say I was impressed. With Bristol. She had a very realistic message about "abstinence only" programs (of which her mother endorses) and feels that kids are going to have sex, and therefore educational programs must be in place too. Kudos to Bristol. But, if you watched it, did you notice how Sarah busted in and the look on Bristol's face when she did? If I were at all computer savvy, I would put the video here, because I thought it was too funny. A Palin is sounding intelligent and making some sense, and Sarah had to rush right in there and get the photo op. Congrats Sarah, finally you're involved in something that didn't make you look stupid, and you can thank your daughter for that!