Thursday, October 30, 2008

The second child....

Ok, this post is going to ignore the fact that I have a stepdaughter... so just take her out of your mind. She is a completely different scenario, and something I could blog about til the cows come home (and we have no cows, so that would take awhile). But, this is about my two children that are mine by birth. So, the second child is Jack. Now that that's straightened out... let me actually get to the point. When I was pregnant with Jack (my surprise, "birth control isn't 100% effective" baby), I was concerned that I would never be able to love him as much as I love Will. I never knew I could be so enraptured by anything until I met Mr. Will. Even pregnant with him, I didn't get the warm and tinglies like other preggers that I know. So, I questioned whether or not the maternal thing would kick in. But, kick in it did... and then some. David Beckham couldn't have kicked it any harder. But I wondered if it was possible for that kind of lightening to strike twice. And I feared that loving Jack that much would somehow decrease my love for Will, or the flip side... what if I just didn't have it in me to love them both that much?

The other day I met my entourage (Homa, Lori and Laura) out for drinks and Lori asked how it turned out. Did I love Jack the same? Is that a question or is that a question? Why not talk politics? Laura had on a Sarah Palin tee and yet this topic was more disturbing. Did I love Jack the same? The answer is, honestly... no. After typing that, I took a thirty second pause to wait for God to smite me... but, I am still here.

I do love Jack. Look at this face... how could you not? I do love him more than I thought I could love anything (sorry Mark), but I am not sure it has reached Will status. Mental note... delete this before either of them learn to read. I attribute this to a couple things. Number one... I am not a baby person. I don't hold other people's kids and I don't really coo and giggle at mine. Not even Will. When Will was born, I was in such shock that I made this creature, that I was entranced. I think with Jack I am not so entranced because I already knew I could make a creature... so instead of awe, I just have a baby. I think Will, at this age, is just so charming and cute (yes... and certifiable), that it overshadows boring baby. But, I have little doubt that I will love him equally when he is more interactive. A little smile or laugh would go a long way. How evil am I? By that standard, I should be head over heels for Jim Carey. But, since Me, Myself and Irene, that ship has sailed. The other possibility for my lack of equality is that Jack cries. A lot. See post from Monday!!! I don't hate him for it, though. Please don't alert CPS that a shaken baby incident is coming, because one thing Will gave me plenty of practice in is dealing with crying babies. But, he's not the cute, cuddly cooer that one would hope for. And lastly, I think its that my life is completely different. When I had Will, it was just me and Will. Me and this little creature in a quiet, serene home (except for 5p to 11p when he screamed his fool head off) communing with Mother Nature and all things lovely. I am pretty sure cartoon blue birds landed on my shoulder and deer nuzzled me gently a la Snow White walking through a forest. In this life, I have a 9 year old living here full time, and while this post is not about her... she is a challenge. I have a psychotic, energizer bunny of a toddler who never NEVER stops. And a crabby baby. I may not love anything by 8p most nights. Not even George Clooney, if he showed up.

So bring on the comments. I know I am a terrible person to feel this way, and even worse for actually saying it. Laura said she loved her two kids differently... so maybe that is it. Maybe Jack and Will aren't more or less, maybe they are different too. My mom says the differently thing is her take too, but what is she going to say. "You're right, Second Child. You never compared to your brother." Lori can't remember because her kids are 20 years apart. And, that is as far as my research has gone. I do think that no matter what people say and how they describe their birth moments... choruses singing hymns, flower petals and shooting stars, warm and fuzzies abounding... it can take awhile to fully bond with the child, right? That being said, I do love him, have bonded, no postpartum Susan Smith incidents in my future. Its just not the same and I am not going to pretend or BS otherwise. Maybe I am not the only mother who has felt this way, and maybe others will have the courage to say so. Or, maybe you all have CPS dialed, so I should just leave you to complete the call.


Anonymous said...

I get it. I even admitted to the same thing myself on my blog- and I have twins!!

My girls are fraternal- and just so different. I had them prematurly at 30 weeks, and my oldest daughter of the two, Neve, was smaller. She also came home first (from the nicu)and was such an easy baby. I fell in love, and had that motherly feeling towards her. Then my second daughter, solieil, came home and she was colicky. I could not calm her down no matter what I did. My husband was the only one who could.
Now that they are one years old, I still feel much more attached to Neve than I do Soleil. There's not much I can do about it. I love them both, and would give my life for them, but that feeling still guilts me every day. Even if we feel it inside, as long as no one shows outright favoritism towards one over the other, than it is perfectly fine. They are two different children, so obviously you wont feel the same way towards them. Dont beat yourself up!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Gemini - Welcome!!! I haven't seen you post before, so thanks for reading!

Thank you more for your comment! There are few people that are willing to admit that, and I bet tons of people feel that way!!!

Anonymous said...

There is no WAY you could love them the same....they are two different people. For example, Jackson is extremely kind and emotional and often needs a little encouragement. 99.9% of his problems can be solved by snuggling for 5 minutes. Quinten, on the other hand, is rambunctious and mischevious-if you dont know where he is...thats a problem. However both of these boys...I love to pieces...I dont love them the same though...I just love them.

Amie said...

I've sent a link of this post to my friend who works for CPS...or what ever it's called now.
All I have to offer is that I recall Marcia from PEN talking about the same, I don't think you're alone.

tuffy said...

hmmm... i believe erika reads your blog, and she is a social worker. but no jurisdiction in indy. do social workers have jurisdiction?

anyway... the uncle perspective...

i felt the same way the weekend i met him. it's just more fun to be with will than it is jack. jack is kinda fat. well, not kinda. he's a baby whale. i felt sort of guilty spending the whole weekend playing with will and only holding jack a couple times.

but then i thought about it. soon will is going to go to school. and get older. and all that. and then jack will be at the fun will age. and jack is going to get all the excitement.

it's not a matter of love. love for two people/things/(i was going to put another slash in here, but i can't think of anything that isn't a person or a thing) is never the same. love for parents is different than love for a kid which is different than love for a spouse. you'd feel like you couldn't live without either one of them. at this point now, it takes them both to make your life complete, even though your perspective for them each is different.

it's not even really something to worry about.

but perhaps some alone time with jack would be good. maybe an evening where mark and tabbi and will go somewhere and you hang out with jack.

maybe after he stops crying so much.

that's all.

tuffy said...

by the way, that was way too much effort to read, think, and respond to when i only have an hour and 45 minutes before the library closes, and i'm trying to get work done.

Anonymous said...

You are too much. But I knew that already!! I remember looking at a pic of J2 at work. She cried all the time, I never had a chance to "like" her until I saw a cute picture of her on my desk and she was at my moms screaming in my moms face instead of mine.
Oh, I feel famous again!

Homa said...

I am no longer going to pay any attention to Will. All my love and time will be devoted to Jack!

Could you imagine how Bentley's feeling? Sorry, doesn't mean I am going to let him kiss me.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Jess - That is so profound... and I don't mean that sarcastically like I normally would. "I don't love them the same... I just love them." Thanks for that. Really.

Amie - I would love to chat with your CPS friend! I still regret not replying to her "we aren't baby stealers" mass email. Why was I so nice that day? Must have been sick or something.

Mike - Erika would have taken my kids a long time ago if she was going to. And thanks for the thoughtful response, even if it was inconvenient. Uncles and moms must be on the same page.

Laura - But I don't work! Jack and I are screwed!!!

Homa - Poor Bentley, my real first child, doesn't even rank anymore. That is sad... let him kiss you just once for me! Or bring Mr. Man and he can kiss him.

Lauren said...

i'm the 1st born, 1st grandchild, 1st niece 1st whatevs... and i like to think i'm the fave. i know i'm my mum's favourite cos she actually told me!
but, god, there is alot of pressure on me!
i'm currently the black sheep of the family atm tho, not good.

also, you've made me defo realise i don't want kids! and if anyone else says "you're only 23, you will when you're older" i'll personally rip out my ovaries through my toes to prove a point!!!!
(i didn't mean to offend you btw!)

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Lauren- Oh sure... rub in that you're the favorite. I am a second child... so I will just cry into my Diet Coke now.

Plus, don't tie the tubes on my account. Some kids are really quite lovely and normal... or so I've heard.