Friday, December 5, 2008

My Top Ten Most Fascinating People

Barbara Walters had her 10 Most Fascinating People tv special on last night and it got me thinking. I felt like the majority of her fascinating folks were less than interesting... let alone fascinating. Miley Cyrus, Will Smith, Tom Cruise? Come on... how much did they pay to be featured when they oh so coincidentally have a movie coming out now? Insert any other movie actor in their interview slots and change the movie title, and you'd still have the exact same interview. And, I love me some Barack Obama... but fascinating? Not really. Don't we already know all there is to know about him? Wasn't he properly vetted (gratuitous use of current "it" word) during the election process? Love him, but been there done that. So, in honor of Barbara's lack of fascinating folks... I have created my own list. Enjoy.

10. Sarah Palin. Ok, so she was on Barbara's list too, but seriously? Barbara didn't even hit the tip of the iceberg with her reasons why. Sure, we had never heard of her before she became a VP nominee, and sure (I wish you could hear me say sure, just like Sarah... I am pretty good) she is pretty interesting what with her 400 kids and whatnot, but I am interested in so much more. I cannot get enough of this lady. How does one condone shooting wolves from a helicopter? What kind of sport is that? And why exactly does she think she should get to choose the books housed in a PUBLIC library? And really Sarah? Rape victims charged for their own rape kits? There are all of 30 women in Alaska. You can't have the government foot the bill for the humiliating procedure used after their horrific ordeal? Really? I mean, really? And most importantly... how do you get that hair tumor so high? Is it natural or is Aqua Net still a big seller in the Arctic?

9. Eliot Spitzer's wife, Silda. First, where did the name Silda come from? And secondly, and most importantly... what is this stand by your man crap, Silda? I can understand couples who can work through an affair. I really can. I am not sure I could do it, but there can be circumstances where both people are at fault and you work through it. But Eliot took the last train to Skanksville and paid for sex repeatedly. Did he stop at train station gift shop for a little chlamydia on his way home, by chance? I could not stand there by my hubby's side while he humiliated me and my family on a national scale. Uh no thanks. Instead, I would have my divorce attorney by his side waiting to serve him with papers and oh by the way, that alimony would be big. HUGE! Bigger than the prostitute's need for a father figure, even.

8 & 7. This is a two-fer so I am going to assign it two numbers. I would go ahead and call them "The Biggest Losers - The View Edition" and I don't mean for their weight loss. Bitter, party of two. Rosie O'Donnell and Star Jones. Both are former View co-hosts and even though both have left the show at least a year ago, they still spend a whole lot of time bashing it. Nothing better to do? Really? I realize that since leaving The View, they have both gone on to illustrious careers doing... well.. nothing, but still. What about The View made them both so bitter? Inquiring minds want to know. And seriously, Star? Hosting a reunion show of The Bad Girls Club? I am pretty sure washing my hair would be more stimulating than that. (Especially when I get my pink extensions!)

6. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, also of The View. Can you tell I love that show? Where else can you watch five women scream at once? Oh yeah, any girls' night in the country. Anyway, I love Elisabeth. Although she is a Sarah Palin fan, I can look past it. I do for my friend Laura, so I am willing to look past it in Elisabeth, too. Despite being horrible judge of character, I am so intrigued with her, and I mean this legitimately. Who else goes to a job every day and faces four against one odds? I do not share her opinions, but I have more respect for her than any other commentator on tv. I cannot imagine being out-bitched by Whoopi, Shari, Barbara and JOY (the biggest bitch of them all) every single day. And, if interviewing her for my tv special, I would ignore the "but we really love each other" crap and hear what it is that motivates her to report to work every day knowing that she is always going to be in the minority. That impresses me... even if she's always wrong.

5. This is another group one, but there are so many people, I am still keeping it at one number on my countdown (otherwise it would exceed a Top 10). I would like to sit this group down and ask what price Elmo Live (it talks, it dances, it may even do your laundry) was selling for that warranted trampling a man to death. I like me a good bargain, but I am pretty sure that I would stop and help a man up, not step on his face just to get a Wii Fit or Hannah Montana video. I hope to God and heaven above that every single person who set foot in that store at that time (whether or not your foot hit that man) is grossly ashamed. These people bargain hunted like a bunch of crackheads in an unguarded pharmacy. I am not a crack of dawn shopper, because I don't get out of bed unless totally necessary, and no sale on any product has changed my mind. But, when you hear about a 34 year old man dying just trying to unlock a WalMart door makes me wonder about those die hard bargain shoppers. I think the point is for you to die hard, not for you to kill others.

4. Apparently, I should be calling this my snarkiest countdown, because here's my next group. Its the group of people who set the law that declared Thomas Beatie (the supposedly pregnant man) a man. Now, can they define the Easter Bunny as real and show me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, because I think those two things are just as logical. By my definition and I don't know... anatomy's definition the dude's a girl. He is no more a pregnant man that Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior. I think if you have real working girl parts down under, you are pretty much a chick. And I am fine with her living as a man and being a father, but don't go out and get millions of dollars (not to mention scarring for life footage that your lucky kids will get to live the rest of their lives surrounded by) pretending that you are a pregnant man. I can grow a pretty good mustache without my lovely wax jobs, so does that make me a man? Or, Christina Applegate who had a double mastectomy. Is she now a guy, because their anatomy is the same as Mr. (I mean Ms.) Beatie's. I refuse to list Mr. Beatie as a fascinating person, because really he or she is just pathetically in search of money and fame and that doesn't interest me so much as make me sad, but I would like to hear from the State where the lawmakers decided to make gender such an easy thing to pick. And just for the record, I waxed my lip a few weeks ago so I will go ahead and keep myself labeled a woman.

3. I don't find Tom Cruise the least bit interesting, and Katie Holmes is just about as fascinating as watching paint dry (although really that can be interesting because sometimes it dries a deeper, darker color and you are pleasantly surprised or totally bummed by the actual hue so really she's way more dull than that). But, some day I would like to talk to Suri, the WASP with the Middle Eastern name, and find out just what living with those two is like. Who were the nanny and chef that fed, clothed and took care of her on a regular basis? Because the actual parents like to go on talk shows and give interviews about how they dote on their precious baby, and I would like a no holds barred interview with the kid to find out just how involved these movie making, Broadway play doing, practicing alien-based religion parents are.

2. OJ Simpson. I don't really want to talk to him, but I would like to just pretend like he was going to get interviewed and then get in his face and say, "15 years, huh? HA HA HA HA HA HA! Buh bye!"

1. This is a group, too, but I would like to have a little convo with them. It would be the Big 3 US automakers' CEOs and each and every CEO on Wall Street that has begged the government for a bail out. I just want to talk to them for a second. You see, I have this dream of becoming a business owner. The business itself changes quite a bit... its been everything from a paint your own pottery studio to a cupcake bakery (I even named it The Cupcakery). So, should I ever follow through with the plan (whatever it is at the moment), I want to sit down with them and learn how to do what they did. I think if I had step by step instructions of just how to run a business into the ground while maintaining my salary and eventually getting money from the government so I could run it into the ground a second time while still making millions, I wouldn't be so nervous about starting my own company. You think?


bernthis said...

Why no comments? I think this was hilarious and I agree with all ten. I don't think I would have had the patience to write such a blog and I mean that in a good, wonderful way. Consider me a huge fan.

Anonymous said...

I wish you'd posted your top TWENTY! I couldn't stop laughing. Hair tumor? That's too funny! I admire your talent for humor. Or, as Sarah might say, "You betcha' I'm a fan, by golly!"

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Bernthis & JD - With comments like that, you two are officially my two most favorite people! When I post that countdown, you'll be at the top for sure. And a typed Sarah Palin impersonation... a total highlight of my day!

Mark said...

I loved this list and laughed out loud several times

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mark - Thanks for ruining my Cupcakery dream. I plan to sue that company now for stealing my name... even though my name was in my head and in no way associated with a business.