Ok, you all know that Mark is my husband. Let's just get it out of the way and say right now that he is special. Not special in a lovey dovey way ... special special. He has this amazing ability to hold down a really successful job, dress, feed and bathe himself, and to the untrained eye... almost seem like a normal human being (an excessively loud one... but normal nonetheless). But, if you know him... really know him... you know that he is one sandwich short of a picnic. Homa calls it his 30 second delay. I say at the minimum he is really lacking in common sense. Its part of his charm. Let me give you a couple of examples.
1. Saturday morning we had AT&T's Uverse installed. I do not know what Uverse does, except that it has been the bain of my existence since it was put in. It controls my phone, tv
, and Internet and because of its razzle dazzle, it cannot seem to do all three at once. Word on the street is that its all fixed, but if we can keep all three services for 24 hours, I will begin to believe it. Anyhoo... The installation team shows up at 8:30a on Saturday morning. In my book that is down right evil. I had told Mark in advance that its his Uverse, therefore its his problem. So, he set the alarm and was up and ready by 8a. Will and I were asleep in my bed dead to the world, and suddenly I open my eyes with a creepy feeling that someone is watching me. I look up and this long haired scraggly man with a handlebar mustache is watching me in bed. Hello, Uverse guy! One would think a husband would wake up the wife and say, "My dearest sweetheart (or Lynn, in my house), the Uverse dude needs in here... do you want to get up?" And, then I would say, "Yes, my love (or Mark), let me run and hide before he comes in as I am bra-less, make up smeared and matted haired." Not in my house. In my house, Mark just leads the lost member of ZZ Top into my room to let him at it.
, and Internet and because of its razzle dazzle, it cannot seem to do all three at once. Word on the street is that its all fixed, but if we can keep all three services for 24 hours, I will begin to believe it. Anyhoo... The installation team shows up at 8:30a on Saturday morning. In my book that is down right evil. I had told Mark in advance that its his Uverse, therefore its his problem. So, he set the alarm and was up and ready by 8a. Will and I were asleep in my bed dead to the world, and suddenly I open my eyes with a creepy feeling that someone is watching me. I look up and this long haired scraggly man with a handlebar mustache is watching me in bed. Hello, Uverse guy! One would think a husband would wake up the wife and say, "My dearest sweetheart (or Lynn, in my house), the Uverse dude needs in here... do you want to get up?" And, then I would say, "Yes, my love (or Mark), let me run and hide before he comes in as I am bra-less, make up smeared and matted haired." Not in my house. In my house, Mark just leads the lost member of ZZ Top into my room to let him at it.Oh no... that is not all from this weekend.
2. We won (thanks to Lori and Laura) five feeder fish from a Halloween party a week ago. Of course, we had no home for said fish, so we go out and spend $45 on a tank, rocks, prettier rocks, a car, a fake plant, and two cuter fish. I can't do anything halfway... its a curse. So, we now have a lovely fish tank in our kitchen bringing joy and serenity to the masses. But, the tank is cloudy. The Pet Safari people (I love that place... its like taking Will to a free zoo r
ight around the corner) say that goldfish are dirty fish, so we need a new filter. Laura (whose husband has fish) says that he always gets a filter for a tank twice the size of the one he has. So, they have a 55 gallon, and he gets a 110 filter. I mistakenly told Mark this. Our little tanklette is a measly 2.5 gallons, and they don't make a 5 gallon filter. They make a 5 to 10. Mark installs it and promptly leaves to go get Tabbi who spent the weekend with her mom. Some time later, I walk into the kitchen and see that our 6 fish (one feeder died of natural causes...we're waiting for the autopsy results) pinned against the back glass unable to move. You can see bubbles swishing around like its the great white rapids. The car, the plant, the gravely rocks and the bigger prettier rocks are all in a mountain against the back, pummeling against the paralyzed fish. I immediately turn off the filter (which is clearly too strong for our teeny tiny tank) and call Mark to tell him. Mark's response... "Yeah, I thought that was weird. I thought they just had to get used to it." Mental note: Never let Mark take the kids to the pool alone. I am pretty sure the fish were never going to get used to being pinned against a fish tank wall and pummeled with rocks, a car, a plant and prettier larger rocks. I am pretty sure the fish were on their way to the fish tank in the sky (or toilet bowl like Chubbers 1... our already dead one).
ight around the corner) say that goldfish are dirty fish, so we need a new filter. Laura (whose husband has fish) says that he always gets a filter for a tank twice the size of the one he has. So, they have a 55 gallon, and he gets a 110 filter. I mistakenly told Mark this. Our little tanklette is a measly 2.5 gallons, and they don't make a 5 gallon filter. They make a 5 to 10. Mark installs it and promptly leaves to go get Tabbi who spent the weekend with her mom. Some time later, I walk into the kitchen and see that our 6 fish (one feeder died of natural causes...we're waiting for the autopsy results) pinned against the back glass unable to move. You can see bubbles swishing around like its the great white rapids. The car, the plant, the gravely rocks and the bigger prettier rocks are all in a mountain against the back, pummeling against the paralyzed fish. I immediately turn off the filter (which is clearly too strong for our teeny tiny tank) and call Mark to tell him. Mark's response... "Yeah, I thought that was weird. I thought they just had to get used to it." Mental note: Never let Mark take the kids to the pool alone. I am pretty sure the fish were never going to get used to being pinned against a fish tank wall and pummeled with rocks, a car, a plant and prettier larger rocks. I am pretty sure the fish were on their way to the fish tank in the sky (or toilet bowl like Chubbers 1... our already dead one).So, that's just a little info about the man I married. He's a stranger bringer iner, and a fish murderer. I am so lucky and so proud!
9 comments:
OMG...I'm sort of surprised that he's still alive. Or, able to walk. Are you still coming up with the plan to get even (for you and for the fish)?
Too funny! I love Mark, and usually stick up for him, but this time he's on his own. Does UVerse have a microchip they can implant into Mark? That way, he can be in sync with the TV, phone, and internet, and you could use the remote on him, and download new programs...an upgraded Mark!
Ok yeah I totally deserve it and look forward to future blog posts about my stupidity.
Amie - I am sort of surprised too. Except I need him to work my TV. I know longer know how to since we switched to Uverse.
Homa - Good idea!!! I am calling AT&T now to see about that.
Mark - One would think you might strive to stop the stupidity.
Try as I might it always seems to come out
True. It is what it is, I guess. Lucky me, I say again.
OMG! That AT&T story was too phunny!
Tex - It makes me laugh and want to cry equally.
OMG! I have not laughed that hard in a really long time. I usually like to see Mark's side of the story, but I'm with you on this one. Letting ZZ Top in while you sleep is way over the top. Those poor fish!
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