Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The 8 Year Diet

So, I am fat. Its ok, you don't have to write in that I am gorgeous or I look good at any size or the dreaded "but you have such a pretty face." (Mark, I especially mean you. Don't do it. Its not safe). I don't look gorgeous, I would look better smaller, and my face ain't that great. I am funny. I am witty. I am smart. I am a smart ass. My kids are cute. Those are my only attributes. Looks... not so much. But, here's the kicker. I recently realized that my friend Homa and I have been talking about dieting since I met her. In 2001. That means that I have been talking about going on a diet for 8 years. Seriously.
In that time, I had a three month stint with Weight Watchers, where I agreed to give them my money and cook their recipes and not lose a damned thing. Truly. I didn't cheat. I followed that diet to the number. I calculated my fat and fiber grams and divided by my weight and multiplied by the number of letters in my mother's maiden name and then I combined that with my blood type and signed away my first born son (his name was Sam... we don't speak of him since Kirstie Alley took him away. Ok, so she was with Jenny Craig. Whatever). Let me tell you...the weight seemed to melt off... of MARK. The weight seemed to cling on... to ME. Lying cheats, that's what I call them. And really... can you picture me in one of those meetings? Its not pretty. Picture lifetime member "Tammi" gleefully talking about how carrot sticks are the new Hershey bar. Would you want to say that with me in the room? Didn't think so. Carrot sticks are the old carrot sticks and Hershey's is my friend. Piss off, Tammi. We'll discuss "trading hugs for jugs" next week at your own risk.

So, I am at an impasse. I am no thinner than I was 8 years ago. I've had my ups and downs... ups being the general direction (and if this were mountain climbing or banking... up would be a good thing so who I am to judge whether or not its bad in weight land). The downs were taking place only when breastfeeding Will, which I now realize I never should have stopped. Yes, it may be creepy to breastfeed a soon to be three year old, but seriously... if you can down an entire Ben and Jerry's 1400 calorie pint and not gain an ounce... isn't it worth it??? So, here's the burning question. Do I actually break down and go on a diet that has apparently been worth discussing for 8 long years of my life? Or, better yet, do I just shut the hell up?

7 comments:

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I say it depends on how you feel about it all. If you're quite happy with the way you are, then don't worry about a diet. Chances are it won't work out anyway because you don't want it badly enough. BUT, if you are ready to commit, GO FOR IT!

All depends. I know I couldn't stick to a diet...I love my Cheetos too much.

Momo-Mama said...

I totally hear you! I gained 50 lbs in the 6 months after I got married and I have been talking about getting rid of it for the last 6 years...

I have just started a new "plan" (which I was just thinking of blogging about) and I am wondering....

Are you the competitive type? Maybe we can have a challenge... Get a few bloggers together for a little good hearted competition at getting healthy...what do you think? (fyi: ...= me thinking)

Busy Bee Suz said...

We all have issues...it is never flipping ending. I am so ready to make a change too...but I hate change.
I suppose you can shut the hell up, but also maybe make really small changes and see what happens. Do you have one thing that you think is keeping you from losing a few lbs now? sweets? bread? (Mine is so my nightly WINE)
perhaps just give up one or two things and see what happens...no making a big deal of it.
BTW: I heard that ww always works wonders for the men. NOT FAIR.

TexInTheCity said...

I'd get in on the competive/support thing!

the mama bird diaries said...

Hmmm... I think it depends on how you feel about yourself.

People have different metabolisms. Completely unfair.

Karen said...

I'll make you a deal. If you decide to act on this I'll join you. I've gained so much since birthing the kids, and have talked about it for the last 14 years. It's time to do something. I'm obviously not willing to go it alone.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Mary - I guess the weird thing is that I hate the image in the mirror, but not as much as I hate the idea of calorie counting and exercise. And, I seriously love my Cheetos too.

Momo-Mama, Tex and Karen - I love the idea of a blog support group/challenge. Let's do it. Just tell me what to do, because I am pretty sure I can't come up with a diet on my own!!!

Suz - Giving up little things is a good idea. The dumb part is I know exactly what I do wrong... I just never do a damn thing about it.

Mama Bird - No kidding. I used to work with a girl who ate two huge bagels with cream cheese for breakfast and she could be a model. She didn't even hardly exercise. I still hate her, just a little.