So, last night I was able to attend the Snorchestra. The nice thing about this particular performance is that it isn't as snooty as a regular orchestra. The ticket prices are decent, the lines short and the dress code is extremely casual. I got the ticket for the bargain price of promising to love and to cherish, to honor and uh... obey (snort... yeah right). I was the only one attending the show (until Will woke up and 2 a.m. and joined me), and I was appropriately dressed in my black and white pajama pants and black t shirt. When in doubt... wear black, I always say. The featured performer last night.... Mark. His symphonic range of bodily functions was not to be missed... and not for the timid.
I was watching Tivoed Grey's Anatomy when the snorchestra began. (And can I just say, Grey's...uh heartbreaking much??? Do we have to always kill children on these shows? Are ratings not high enough when the adults croak, we have to get the most cherubic, big eyed, baby talking little angel around and then ax them???? Thanks for that, Mary Shelly or Angela Kelly or Mary Poppins... whoever you are that write that show. But, I digress.) Initially, there was the tuning period before the music began, where Mark flexed his various instruments. There was a little sigh here and there. A snore, quiet at first, and then when the actual performance began it would ebb and flow leading up to a crescendo of mouth and nose noises that should not exist in a human being. The climax of that section so loud that I still don't know exactly what the Grey's cast were saying (but they cried, so I am pretty sure the kid was toast).
Later, the performance became more interesting when the snoring was accompanied by loud bouts of coughing, which I assume was the percussion portion of the event. Sonic booms like the staccato blast of the timpani (sounds like I actually know something about music, right? But really, I am just making this crap up) came with the soft bell like sounds of a symbol, the vibrato of his phlegm chiming in.
At the very end of the show, when the snoring softened and the hacking quieted, and I started my golf clap of appreciation came the finale. A loud one time burst of gas, passing through his nether regions with the force of a missile... and then... silence. Like a breath of fresh air (except without the fresh air and with me holding my breath). The snorchestra ended and like a good performer, Mark left me wanting more. Oops, not more.... a divorce, is what I meant to say.