Friday, April 24, 2009

Trip to the Snorchestra

So, last night I was able to attend the Snorchestra. The nice thing about this particular performance is that it isn't as snooty as a regular orchestra. The ticket prices are decent, the lines short and the dress code is extremely casual. I got the ticket for the bargain price of promising to love and to cherish, to honor and uh... obey (snort... yeah right). I was the only one attending the show (until Will woke up and 2 a.m. and joined me), and I was appropriately dressed in my black and white pajama pants and black t shirt. When in doubt... wear black, I always say. The featured performer last night.... Mark. His symphonic range of bodily functions was not to be missed... and not for the timid.

I was watching Tivoed Grey's Anatomy when the snorchestra began. (And can I just say, Grey's...uh heartbreaking much??? Do we have to always kill children on these shows? Are ratings not high enough when the adults croak, we have to get the most cherubic, big eyed, baby talking little angel around and then ax them???? Thanks for that, Mary Shelly or Angela Kelly or Mary Poppins... whoever you are that write that show. But, I digress.) Initially, there was the tuning period before the music began, where Mark flexed his various instruments. There was a little sigh here and there. A snore, quiet at first, and then when the actual performance began it would ebb and flow leading up to a crescendo of mouth and nose noises that should not exist in a human being. The climax of that section so loud that I still don't know exactly what the Grey's cast were saying (but they cried, so I am pretty sure the kid was toast).

Later, the performance became more interesting when the snoring was accompanied by loud bouts of coughing, which I assume was the percussion portion of the event. Sonic booms like the staccato blast of the timpani (sounds like I actually know something about music, right? But really, I am just making this crap up) came with the soft bell like sounds of a symbol, the vibrato of his phlegm chiming in.

At the very end of the show, when the snoring softened and the hacking quieted, and I started my golf clap of appreciation came the finale. A loud one time burst of gas, passing through his nether regions with the force of a missile... and then... silence. Like a breath of fresh air (except without the fresh air and with me holding my breath). The snorchestra ended and like a good performer, Mark left me wanting more. Oops, not more.... a divorce, is what I meant to say.

13 comments:

Yo mama said...

I've been married to your dad for almost 34 years -- am I supposed to feel bad for you? I do in the sense that it only gets louder! I had to rewind (yes I know you don't really rewind Tivo) several times during Private Practice to hear the important dialogue.

Homa said...

Ryan and Mark must have the same music teacher... when I dog sat for you a few weeks ago, Ryan played that same number, note for note. And, whenever I interupted him, it got even louder. I was thisclose to moving into Will's bunk bed.

Tuffy said...

I have no comment on snoring, as I'm the only one in my bed, but I thought I would point out that I discovered on Wednesday that there is a Grey's Anatomy game for Wii.

Mark said...

You know I did Major in Music for like a Semester in college.

Busy Bee Suz said...

The story of my life. Makes me nutts. I use ear plugs and sometimes I still have to nudge the offendor. uggghhhh.

Greys? I only saw the first 1/2 hour....great now I know the kid dies. thanks.
Ok, really I knew that was going to happen, they always do it to me. I mean the babies.

Amie said...

It must be a class that all men take. Marc, how ever, has an extra aggravating note. He goes to bed at 6:30 AM...I get up at 8 AM. From 6:30 - 8 the snorchestra plays...so loud I might as well get up. When I do get up, it ends. Like it's just being done to annoy me. I exit the bed, the snorchestra is over.

bernthis said...

I have no mercy for snorers.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You need your own tv room.

Momo-Mama said...

HAHAHAHAHA! It must be some sort of husband conspiracy...or maybe some weird performance art thing were all the guys decide to do the same performance in different locations?

Good thing that we weren't in the same place 'cause I think I had the same outfit on that you did when my hubby did his snorchestra and it's never good when two women have on the same outfit!

Laura the Famous said...

Ok how can your MOM be married for 34 years and I am married for 20?? I think you are too young to be my friend. I guess I already knew that.

James could give Mark, Ryan and your Dad a run for their money.
Laura

Anna Lefler said...

Being subjected to someone's snoring takes me to a dark, dark place.

I'm just sayin'.

...A.

Karen said...

So it's probably a good thing that you're asleep while that's going on most nights.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Ok, so the basic point of everyone's comment is that all men snore. Sounds like a case for being a lesbian, I think.