Adoption's not an option

My family and I have decided to add another dog to the insane asylum that is our home. We currently have five humans and one fur person (Bentley the Beagle). Apparently, that is not enough for us. I thought it was, but then we had the opportunity to take in a Golden Retriever whose owner's child became allergic, but it didn't work out. So, now of course, we have our hearts set on a new dog. Bentley's all fine and good, but he won't let Will pet him. KC used to be our go-to guy for kid/dog love, but he's in the dog park in the sky so we are out of luck. So, off to adopt a dog we go! But, there's a catch. I have come to the realization that I could adopt an Ethiopian child sooner than I can qualify for a dog from one of the many fine rescue dog organizations. And my answer to that is... what the hell???

Bentley Woofsa (his full name) came from a rescue group and to be honest (no offense to anyone whose opinions differ from mine... you're just wrong) I only support getting dogs from the Humane Societies or rescue groups. I don't believe in getting dogs from breeders. There are just too many lovely dogs out there in need of a home to promote breeders who just keep increasing the pet population and often use reckless inbreeding that increases breed deformities and medical issues. Plus, even if you're a purebred dog snob, there is a rescue for every breed (even those designer breeds that aren't recognized like my desired labradoodle). So, in order to find my family's perfect new addition, I've been surfing the net. I am obsessed with the website petfinder.com. That is where I found dear old Bentley and I love it. But, yesterday I applied for a dog and I have been REJECTED! I'm sorry, is this a dog application or did I ask someone to the Sweetheart's Sadie Hawkins formal? I haven't been rejected for anything (except maybe a credit card) since high school.

The pet people at the rescue said that they were not comfortable giving the dog to a home with small children since Swiffer (how cute is that!!!) hadn't been exposed to small children yet. I can kinda get that, except their whole website promoted the breed as "perfect pets for children and families." So, uh... false advertising or what? No Clio in your future, Mr. Rescue Guy! My friend Laura the Famous also was rejected at least once from a rescue group, their reason being that she lived on a farm and the dog might be eaten by coyotes. Again... I can kinda get there... especially if there was a coyote problem on Laura's farm...but there isn't. These were inside dogs and Laura doesn't raise coyotes on her farm and not a single chicken has been snared by these vicious coyotes... so are they only dog eaters or are we being just a hair too picky??? The potential that a coyote (which aren't really around and have never caused a problem before) might come on to the property at the same time the dog happens to be outside on a leash with Laura or her husband and the humans might get so distracted by the sunset or a bird or something shiny that they will see approaching coyotes but simply ignore it until said coyotes steal the small dog away was too great to warrant giving them a dog. Huh wha???

I find it interesting that any idiot can get knocked up and have 500 kids whether or not they deserve them, and I could go to a breeder and buy 60 labradoodles and not have to prove that I even have a home. We could just load them into my Hyundai and eat them for dinner and no one would know. But, these rescue groups are so picky I had to draw up a last will and testament to verify who gets my doodle if I die. Uh, I dunno... the four other people that live in my house? I had Jack and no one asked for financial proof that I could afford him. I didn't need to provide references that could speak to my past experience as a human raiser and I didn't have to document where he will stay if I croak or go on a vacay. But, if I want a 3 year old labradoodle that was abandoned by some yayhoo who thought a dog was a possession and not a member of their family... that I cannot do. Unfortunately I fear that these picky rescue groups, (while they have the dogs' best interest at heart) are going to drive people to breeders because they can't qualify to be a rescuer. Maybe instead we should put these groups in charge of human population control and maybe then the 10 month old girl who was beaten to a pulp by her mom's boyfriend wouldn't have to be in that situation. Mommy Crackhead would not have been approved for pregnancy. Then we would have less children suffering and more dogs living the good life with me. I am emailing my plan to Obama as we speak, but then again, I bet he doesn't get turned down by the doodle rescue, so the brilliance might be lost on him!