Here's the truth... I am stressed out. I have never been a person easily stressed before. In school or my past career, I never really got stressed. I just work the problem. The busier I am, the better I function. But, that was then. Now I feel like I spin my wheels and get nowhere. I feel out of control in my own life, and... this will be a shocker to those people who know me... but I am a bit of a control freak. Ok. Fine. My name is Lynn and I am a control addict. But, I find myself in a world that I can't control and I don't deal well (or so I've been told).
I dwell on the fact that I can't fix Tabbi. I dream about it. It haunts me... literally. And yet I still can't fix it. Even today, after my post about her safety and security... today, I would gladly send her back to her mother. I would. She was a nightmare last night and again this morning, throwing tantrums and acting out like a toddler from hell. She'll be 10 next month. She has behavior issues that I had no idea about and quite honestly I have hit a point where I don't feel like I have the ability or the desire to do whatever work (or more importantly the work that will take a long time) to fix her. I want my life back. A life where we didn't scream every night. I want to raise my boys in a house where we have this constant weight on our shoulders. We're either in a blow up or tensely waiting for the next one to happen and I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't get it and I can't deal with it. When the clock strikes 4, I feel my whole body stiffen because I know she is coming home and my pleasant day is over. And when it happens and she walks through the door with her two failed math tests and spends 3 hours on math homework that should take 20 minutes, and she doesn't do her other homework and she doesn't do her chore for the night and she throws a massive tantrum, I just can't deal. I cannot comprehend why I can tell her what to do and she won't listen. And I don't know how to fix it.
Likewise, I struggle with Jack. I get frustrated with an infant. No, my friends from CPS, not frustrated like I am going to shake him or anything. But, I want his crabby phase (which started right around birth) to be over. I want him to sleep through the night and/or be pleasant in the day and I can't make either one happen. I am not even looking for both. I know easy babies are hard to come by, so I don't need easy. I need easier. I need one or the other, night or day to be a little bit easier when trying to raise the Tasmanian Devil and the real Devil at the same time.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am depressed (although after re-reading my post I might be). I am glad to be a stay home mom and some things make it totally worth it. Yesterday Jack was sitting up and Will was showing him how to climb on the treadmill (it may not be the exercise it was intended for, but its still exercise). Will was so excited to have his little brother watching him go "reeree reeree high" and Jack smiled every time Will said his name. Its so fun to watch this sibling relationship starting. The proud show off big brother teaching the adoring little brother. That makes the other 8 hours of Jack crabbing at me worth it. But, as I said before, I feel like I dwell on the negative much more than I appreciate the positive. I cannot let Tabbi and her behavior go while she is at school. I cannot bounce Jack and listen to the crabbing without that moment in my head of "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU!!!!"
So, per my friends and Prozac experts themselves, maybe it would help. It sounds like it just takes an edge off. Stops the dwelling and allows for a little more comfort with the "out of control" feelings. Mark is not a fan of drugs, so his opinion was a big no, with the obligatory caveat of "but I will support you if you decide to take them." But, I don't know. How do you know you need this stuff? Am I looking for that quick fix that will just make life easier? I don't think so, because if I were, crack would do a better job and I am not considering taking that yet. But, per my friends, maybe life in my house would be a little less high strung if I were a little less high strung. Thoughts, anyone?