A Little Dose of Reality

Ok, I have confessed this before, but a reminder for those of you newbies or forgetful folks out there... I have this unbelievably bad addiction to reality TV. I am thinking about approaching Dr. Drew to do a show, instead of Celebrity Rehab, it will be Average People Addicted to Celebrity Rehab. We will all sit around and talk about how our parents didn't kick us out at age 8 and we were never forced into prostitution to score a hit for our moms... so we watch it on TV to marvel at what life could be like if raised somewhere other than Bettendorf, Iowa (or so I've heard). I think it will really take off. I watch just about all of the really really BAD reality shows as long as they promise to be completely ridiculous. I've heard about Survivor and The Amazing Race... but I don't get into those. Who couldn't be dropped somewhere on Earth and find their way back to a certain destination using clues and doing stunts? Where's the challenge in that? I am talking about locking seven insane women with daddy issues and diva complexes in a house and making them live together, like The Bad Girls Club. Now that's entertainment. So, today's entry is devoted to the shows I am devoted to. We'll call it my reality TV wrap up! And, Amie... if you're reading and not caught up... quit reading now or spoil things forever.

First... this gem of a program started on Monday, and I L-O-V-E it! The Bachelor! When it first came out, I was the quintessential appalled feminist, but now... screw feminism... let the claws come out! This season's bachelor is Jason who DeAnna (spelled De-Anna but pronounced De-Ahnna because in Georgia you can't possibly have a twang like De-Anna... right???) dumped for Jessie, the rogue snow boarder who she later dumped because let's be serious... we all want to date the kooky snowboarder, but no one wants to marry him (sorry, Jessie... true story). For the record, I am pretty sure that I am in love with Jason (sorry, Mark... true story) so I am very picky about what lady he ends up with. And, let me just say... ABC set him up with slim pickings!!! Right now I find them all horribly annoying, particularly Shannon the dental hygienist who started the show off by listing off how she knows EACH and EVERY minute fact about Jason's life from his siblings to what he had for breakfast, but she's not a stalker... giggle giggle, as she is gluing their faces on Barbies and acting out their future life together. (Ok, I made that part up, but you can totally picture her doing it if you watch the show). I will, however, give Another Bad Creation props for instilling evil cat fights right off the bat this season. Why wait a couple episodes when you can get to the good stuff immediately? They decided to let the women vote off one of their own. So, the fur flew. But then, those tricksters turned around and gave the woman they voted for (the only one I kinda like because she looks like my cousin's wife Theresa and acted semi normal) a rose instead. HA! Take that, female dogs!

Next, the wonderful world of real... otherwise known as MTV's The Real World. Season 10,004 started last night and let's just say it... FABULOUS! This time instead of the token gay (who is present, but not nearly interesting enough), they one upped themselves with a transgender was-man now woman. LOVE IT! And, while I am sure Katelynn (if you get to pick your own chick name wouldn't you... I dunno... spell it right???) is a lovely person, and I am totally open to picking whatever gender you feel right as... but come on. Katelynn looks as girly as Patrick Swayze did in To Wong Foo. Its a dude in girl's clothing, so let's not pretend like you can't tell, Ms. I'm Not Ready to Come Out Yet. There's no coming out when you can see it a mile away. Mystery woman is third from the left. Were you right when you guessed which one? If not, its just a bad picture. Believe me... you can tell.

And if the true story of seven people picked to live in a house wasn't good enough, let's change it to seven psychotic girls who live to get wasted, fight and dress from stores like Sluts R Us and Hoochie-Mart. I think they even suspended the whole "you're not allowed to hit people" rule that MTV has, because there has been some hair pulling and water thrown, and The Real World would send you packing with that behavior. This group was kicked out of every bar they went to for fighting with or yelling at other customers. Its classy with a capital C (in a really trashy trailor park)! And I just have to go on record, that in the immortal words of Michael Bolton, "love is a wonderful thing" but when you are 21 like Ailea and you are hooking up with a man in his 50s... that is just icky. Homa describing her dog's hoo hoo icky.

Lastly, on my reality TV list is Top Chef. I hate to put this in the same category as The Bad Girls' Club or even The Bachelor, because the people on this show have actual skill and talent and they seem to be normal human beings. But, I had to insert it because I follow it with the same fervor as the other trash TV, and it might serve to redeem me and my taste just a little bit in your eyes. Last night's episode was fan-freaking-tastic because the Top Chef producers found the cattiest, snottiest, wittiest Brit food critic to replace their usual judge Gail Simmons who is getting hitched and honeymooning for the rest of the season. This man is the epitome of British snark, and therefore I am in love. LOVE! (Sorry Mark and Jason the Bachelor... true story). He is like a bald Elton John in normal glasses and his comment of "I've found the weapons of mass destruction at the bottom of this bowl" could be the funniest thing I have ever heard. Especially when George Bush called him after the episode aired and asked where he would find that bowl. (Ok, I made that part up, too.)

So, now you are up on what consumes my nights and makes me dredge through my days as a zombie. I can't watch a thing in real time thanks to Will and Jack, so when they go to sleep, I go to heaven in the form of Tivoed trash television. Ahh, the wonders of modern technology mixed with some sicko TV reps' creativity. Its like combining peanutbutter and jelly or bleu cheese and buffalo wings... the work of a mad genius!