How do you know you know?

I read a fair amount and sometimes an article descends from the publication Gods right when I need it most. If Will has ear infections, by some miracle Family Circle will magi-pear an article all about kids and ear infections. When Tabbi and Mark were going to Six Flags, Good Housekeeping had a divinely inspired article about theme park safety. This time the article was "Should We Have One More" in Parents magazine. And, it has come right at the time Mark and I are having this same debate. And by Mark and I, I mean me talking at Mark while he plugs his ears and hums loudly.

I don't know if its biological or emotional, but recently I have been feeling the desire to have one more kid (and by have one more I mean get pregnant in two years and guarantee that its a girl). I know, everyone who knows me is like "WHOA? DO YOU NOT READ YOUR BLOG?!?!?!" but mental breakdowns aside, I feel the yearning for a little girl. I have my beautiful (and by beautiful I mean bouncing off the walls) boys, but I see little girls on TV and little girl clothes and hear about little girl activities and I want that. And, I have Tabbi, but its just not the same. (Insert snide comment about how that is my fault here.) I didn't have her at birth and she doesn't do the little girly activities that I long for. Plus, we just don't get along most of the time. And I can't help but feel like inheriting her (which was mostly my idea and I still know was the right thing to do) has taken my option of one more out of the equation without my permission. So, as far as I can tell, my options are to try for a little girl or completely confuse one of my boys by forcing them into a gender identity crisis. I want my little baby girl and a room that looks like the Pepto Bismol plant exploded in it.

Then I think to the newborn phase. I hate being up all night. I hate feedings and inconsolable crying. And I think about my current life and how most days I am barely hanging onto sanity by a thread and oh my God, how could I handle another one? But, pink sometimes beats out sleeplessness. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I yearn for the time in life when the kids are more independent. Will is going to start preschool in the fall, which means Jack isn't really that far behind. And when both boys are in school, I can decide what I want to be when I grow up (as if there is more to life than spit up and blogging). I could have a career again, and high heel shoes. Sometimes the idea of an adult life wins out. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the idea of a little Olivia Eleanor or Katheryn Lily does.

So, I read this article devouring the words, waiting for the epiphany at the end to tell me if I really want another or not. Let me share with you the gem of wisdom this article had for me. "How do you know? You know. " Wha huh? You just know? What a load of crap? What if you know this minute while I am typing contentedly on the computer, but then you know something else a minute later when Jack is screaming his fool head off because he doesn't want a nap and Will is shrieking like a mad man because he tripped over Big Red, his stupid, always under foot truck. Then the article said this profound comment "If you don't know... well... that means you're not done." Really? Is this the logic that got Octomom where she is? If you think about having a kid, you better get knocked up ASAP before you use the sense God gave you and decide that is not the best idea.

So, I read my divinely sent article, and I am still lost. The good news is that I don't have to decide today. Mirena commercials say that I can have it removed at any time and still pop out those little poopers. The other thing to consider is that reading this blog entry will undoubtedly give Mark a stroke, which means that I can't have another kid because I am going to run through his life insurance way too quickly as it is... I'd never be able to afford another one.