This morning, I received a text message. It was beautiful... poetic... romantic. I have never before heard (or read in this case) that kind of love and affection. Clearly, it was not meant for me. Mr. Romance said, "I had to look at that booty first thing this morning. Hope my peek didn't wake you." Well, Mr. 614 Area Code (which I Googled and is Columbus, OH), let me just respond to your little love text.
First of all, while my booty may be large enough to be seen from Ohio, you better be glad that you weren't sneaking at peek at my behind while I was trying to sleep. I am pretty sure "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy would have started playing and the hand you used to pull back the covers, along with the eyes you were attempting to see with would not have made the trip back.
Second, while I am sure the Mensa candidate you were peeking at this morning may pretend like she is flattered by your need to stare at her derriere, she really wants you to go the hell away so she can keep sleeping. Unless she is a Hooters gal running around in boy shorts with her cheeks hanging out all day and night, she would rather keep that feather comforter pulled up to her chin and snooze than have you drooling over the goodies. In fact, even if she is Miss Hooters USA, unless you are leaving a tip, back away from the butt cheeks. Really, we females would rather sleep than have you anywhere near us.... so back off, 614.
Thirdly, I just thought I would mention that sneaking a peek at someone's "booty" while they are sleeping, is just a little bit creepy. Ok, its a lot creepy. If you wanna compliment your honey's buns... why not wait til she is awake? Standing up. And has the option as to whether or not she wants to slap your face for making a comment about her rear. I mean, come on... do you not watch Law & Order: SVU? Don't make me go Detective Stabler on YOUR ass... because I will.
And lastly, dear Mr. 614. If you are going to sexually harass your girlfriend or wife (or I guess boyfriend...) and then text her about it later... get the friggin' number right!!!