Wednesday, May 27, 2009

You might be a redneck if...

There is something about the Indy 500 that brings out the... tacky in people. I live in a suburb of Indy and even my humble town was infiltrated last weekend with the redneckiest, trailer park lovelies that usually are too busy spending the weekend at the track, surrounding themselves with beer can towers and "show us your boobs" signs to make it out to the burbs. Apparently, one couple got the wrong directions and their confederate flag painted pick up wound up in Avon... miles away from the track, wife beater t-shirts and urine filled streets that they are used to. So, in honor of Jeff Foxworthy... here is my example of "you might be a redneck if..." in honor of Billy Bob and Betty Sue (mullet and bleach blond hair included) at Meijer Monday afternoon.

If you and your man are looking for the nearest Meijer (think Target if there aren't Meijer's in your hood), and you are going to go in and shop, but you have to finish your beer and cigarette first.... you might be a redneck.

And... if you decide that rather than sitting in your comfy lawn chair in front of your mobile home at the Speedway, you would rather go ahead and drive to Meijer, exit your car and stand in front of the main entrance while savoring your last swig of PBR and the last drag on your Marlboro Red.... you might be a redneck.

And if you are standing in front of Meijer, drinking your beer and smoking your cig and you decide that you need to show your man that you are wearing your hot little swim suit with the side cutouts and the plunging neck down to your "I'm too old to have this but I don't seem to care" pierced navel, and so you lift your tank top up to show a little skin to him and the 10 year old leaving with his grandma and the stay home mom who happens to have a blog that you are going to appear on in the next week (that would be me), then.... you might be a redneck.

And, if you are showing your man (and the 5th grader and the grandmother and the stay home mom that despises your existence in her world) that you are wearing your "I can't believe that stripper sold me her costume for $2.00" swimsuit while standing in front of Meijer glugging away on your can and pulling a drag off your cigarette and your man mentions that you are nipping and your response is to rub your nipple and giggle that he is right.... you might need to get your trashy ass OUT OF MY TOWN!!! Oh yeah... and you might be a redneck.


Homa said...

I done want'd a Corona but dem Mexican imports ain't cheap! And, I done sayd to Ryan he paid lots too much for dath bathing suit, seeings that was mine, and I let that two timing &%$ borrows it.

Crazy Mo said...

That was positively hilarious! Both you and Homa's comment. I really needed that laugh today. Thanks!

she just wants to be said...

Ughhh you were invaded?!!! I feel for ya!

It happens here too, we get overrun by city folk or rude New Yorkers on the weekends.... The life-er locals embrace them, me on the otherhand... not quite. I am still protective of our new home town and wish they would leave their driving habits in the city and go back to their homes in the Hamptons instead of coming to the "country!"

bernthis said...

sorry, can't relate. If you'd put something in there about Saks Fifth Avenue and wall to wall carpeting then yes, I am a redneck as well

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my lord...I could picture the whole thing, for I have seen trash live and in person before!!!
I hope they left your town and took all their STD's and beer cans with them!!

Amie said...

Please...I see that outside of Wal-Mart everytime I go there.

Kristina said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I wish you would have had a camera, because I think the visual aid of these people would have made me actually pee my pants from laughing so hard.


Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Homa - I tried so hard to keep your name out of it and you out yourself in the comments.

Mo - I only wish I had taken a photo.

She Just Wants to Be - Eww... trashy people versus city folk??? I am not sure which is worse.

Suz - Thankfully they have retreated back to their caves.... til next May... or the Brickyard.

Amie - We told you not to move there.

Kristina - Next time, I will have the camera ready.